Adventure Time with Finn, Marcy and Jake: Return of the Undead Jerkwad
by Slishes Maloney
Summary: Gunmor, the Vampire King, has been resurrected, and seeks to takeover the land of Ooo with help from the remaining Vampires and the mind-controlled members of the Candy Kingdom. Finn, Marceline, and Jake must journey into the forgotten country of Bulgeria in order to stop him. a sequel to "Attraction that is Blossoming" that's full of Finnceline Goodness. Note: Alternate Timeline.
1. Return of the King

**Yes, I know Finn and Marceline are never gonna end up together, and yes, I understand that Marcy was already given a backstory in the** _ **Stakes**_ **miniseries, and that there was a Vampire King in it. But, 1. I haven't watched Adventure Time since** _ **The Cooler**_ **episode in Season 6, which was three years ago (I had lost a lot of interest in the series. Let's just say it wasn't really working for me, anymore, and leave it at that). And 2. Cut me some slack, will ya? I was writing this story a whole year before** _ **Stakes**_ **came out. It's also because of that miniseries that I decided NOT to watch the rest of the series until this story was done. I didn't want people to think I was ripping off** _ **Stakes,**_ **in any way, so if there are any similarities, I apologize. I never meant to rip off anything, and any and all similarities are complete coincidences.**

 **Also, and I can't stress this enough, all episodes that take place after** _ **Escape from the Citadel**_ **are NOT canonical with these stories. While this is partially due to my dislike of many of the episodes that take place after it, it is mostly for the sake of ease. Trying to make every bit of my continuity somehow correlate with all of the continuity of the show is ni-impossible, especially if it's a Finnceline story, which already contradicts pre-established character dynamics, anyway. So, in short,** _ **Escape From the Citadel**_ **is the cutoff date, where the continuity of the show ends and my alternate timeline begins, of which I have titled the** _ **Disgruntled Fanonverse**_ **(or DFV for short). In any case, I hope you will come to appreciate this story for its own merits. And if you don't, hey! That's cool, too! I can't please everybody. ;)**

 **Lastly, to all of my original peeps who read these chapters already, I'm so sorry about the deletion. In hindsight, it was kinda stupid, as I coulda just edited these chapters, later down the road, but I guess I just thought, in the moment, that if I deleted the whole story and then reuploaded them, it would feel like a new experience, especially with the establishment of my prologue story,** _ **Attraction that is Blossoming,**_ **which changed a few things from the original draft of** _ **Jerkwad**_ **. If this all seems pretty silly and nonsensical, I apologize. I have Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism), so I think very differently from most people. Heck, I've deleted and remade records on videogames because I felt a few minor details and decisions didn't quite reach my expectations. :P But, from here on out, I will no longer delete any stories because of a few errors, and instead just edit the chapters like I have been, even if they were already posted. For any newcomers, I would highly suggest you go read** _ **Attraction that is Blossoming**_ **before you proceed with this story. With that all out of the way, let's begin (Or rather, let's re-begin)!  
**

* * *

Chapter 1: Return of the King

Cinnamon Bun woke up to a bright early morning, stretching his arms and yawning in a restful manner. "Aw man!" He said, rather happily. "That was the best night sleep since last night's sleep! And the night before that!" He went to the side of his bed to pat his custom "Not-Too-Bright" nightlight that Princess Bubblegum made for him. "Hahahaha! Thanks for keeping my room in a comfortable atmosphere, nightlight!" He then put a finger to his mouth, thinking. "Now, what was I gonna do today?" He walked over to the other side of his house and looked at the calendar on wall. He squinted to look at the small lettering near the bottom square:

 _Dear, CB,_

 _I hope you're enjoying the nightlight I made you. I'll just assume you are, considering you haven't made any complaints in over a month. Anyway, I understand it's your monthly picnic day, and since I'll be too busy with my research to supervise you and the guards will be too busy with border patrol to make sure you don't do something stupid, I wrote this note to tell you to KEEP THE FUDGE OUT OF THE CREEPY FOREST, TODAY!  
_

 _Sincerely, Princess Bubblegum._

"Uuuuuh…" Cinnamon Bun held his mouth open, confused by all the lettering in the tiny square. His simple mind, coupled by his nearsighted vision, kept him from processing the information, properly. But, after a good ten seconds, he got something. "…Oh yeah! My monthly picnic day! A day where I get to have a picnic all to myself!" He jumped, excitedly. "Hurray! Huhuhuh! I'm gonna go make my picnic!" He ran into the kitchen to construct his ever-so-special picnic selection. For at least thirty minutes, he stumbled clumsily through his cabinets and fridge to find the ingredients for his "lettuce, tomato, and ice-cream sandwich," and then placed it on a plate. After finishing that, he spent another hour finding sugar and Kool-Aid mix for his delicious cherry beverage and poured it into a cup. And finally, for the last hour and a half, he brought out the picnic basket and the pitcher from the pantry, but he had trouble figuring out where the sandwich and the Kool-Aid went, respectively. He looked at the sandwich, then looked at the pitcher. "Uuuuh…that looks right!" He said, uncertainly. He then looked at the cup and the picnic basket. "And so does that!" He kept looking back and forth at the items until his head started hurting. "Aaaaaargh! Dang it!" He put his hands to his head. "How would the princess figure this out?" He thought hard, and an image of Bubblegum popped into his head.

It sighed."Sandwich goes in the picnic basket and the Kool-Aid goes into the pitcher. We've been over this for years now, buddy. Also, DON'T GO INTO THE CREEPY FOREST!" Then it vanished.

"Uuuh…Oh yeah!" Cinnamon Bun shouted in remembrance. "Huhuhuhuh! Thanks, Princess!" He then did as the figment instructed. "Sandwich goes in the basket and Kool-Aid goes in the pitcher!" He then scratched his head at another conundrum. "Uuuuh...but, where the heck does the 'Don't go into the creepy forest' go?" He took another five seconds to ponder it but then shrugged. "Ah! I'm sure I'll figure it out, later!" He gathered his picnic stuffs, and made his way to the door. "Alright! Time for the greatest picnic, ever!" He stopped at the door when he saw another note:

 _Dear CB,_

 _I'M SUPER SERIOUS! DON'T GO INTO THE CREEPY FORESTS! AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T BRING ANY SORT OF RED WITH YOU!_

 _Seriously, Princess Bubblegum!_

"Uuuuh…" Cinnamon once again took a moment to think it over. "Red?" He looked at his Kool-Aid and squinted his eyes at it. It then dawned on him. "Oh yeah!" He turned to see his coat rack, which held a red scarf. "I better wear this to keep warm!" He set the picnic stuff down and wrapped the scarf around his neckless body. "There we go! All warm and snuggly!"

Cinnamon crashed through the door, his squishy body and brainless personality ignoring the impact. He skipped merrily across the Candy Kingdom streets, humming "la la la" in a tone-deaf manner. As he traversed the streets, he saw his fellow Candy People walking happily along. "Hi, guys!" CB said, happily.

"Hey, Cinnamon Bun!" a Candy Man said. "Out for your monthly picnicking, today?"

"Huhuhuh! Sure am!" answered Cinnamon Bun. "And I'm gonna enjoy it all by myself!"

"Hahahaha!" the Candy Man laughed before rubbing his head like a child. "Well, you have fun, ya little rascal!"

"Huhuhuhuh! Thanks! I will!"

Cinnamon Bun then proceeded down the street, and was about thirty feet away before the Candy Man shouted, "Just remember not to go into the Creepy Forest, ok?!" the Candy Man shouted.

Cinnamon Bun stopped at that and became confused and a little agitated. "Uuuuh! Yeah! Ok! I will!" he called back, before continuing onward. "Why do people keep bringing up that part?" He thought hard once more but just shook his head. "Ah, whatever! I gotta picnic to eat!"

Cinnamon Bun made his way out from the Candy Kingdom, and into the colorful Candy Forests, still continuing his skipping and terrible singing across the Candy Path. The colorful Candy Forest became far greener until CB made it to a grassy plain where a fork in the road lay. He looked down one of the paths, which led to an ordinary picnic table with no apparent occupants. "Hmm! That looks good!" CB said. He stared at the table for a while, and then looked down the other path, which lead to a large, dark forest with ominous clouds, overhead, lightning bolts flashing.

"Hmm!" Cinnamon Bun thought aloud. "But that place looks even nicer! But it also looks kinda occupied!" He heard creepy laughter in the distance, as if to confirm his thought. Still, in his tiny brain, the creepy looking forest looked irresistible and comfy, but he also didn't like the idea of sharing space. He spent several minutes thinking about which area to have his picnic. "Oh man! This is so hard!" After one last, long look at the forest, its laughter seemingly getting louder and more menacing, he made a decision. "Ah! Why not?! That looks like the perfect place to have my picnic, occupied or not!" He strode down the path to the Creepy Forest, continuing his merry shtick.

He entered the forest, still happy and oblivious. The path seemed to continue farther down, surrounded by dead-looking trees with evil faces on them. The scary sounds of animals and demonic laughter could be heard, and the storm clouds seemed relentless. The farther CB went, the less light seemed to shine from the trees, until, eventually, he couldn't see a thing. Cinnamon Bun started freaking out. "Aaaah! Too dark! TOO DAAAARK!" CB said. He ran around in circles, before crashing into a tree. A flashlight spilled out of his chest, and as it hit the ground, the force flipped the switch on, and it shined brightly in his face, causing him to clutch his eyes shut. "Aaaah! Too bright! TOO BRIIIIIIGHT!" He grabbed the flashlight, bashing it on a rock until the lights dimmed. CB opened his eyes and smiled, once more. "Aha! There we go!" He simply plopped back up and continued onward as if nothing happened.

He finally reached the end of the path, which led to the entrance of a cemetery. There was now some sky and some visibility, but it was grey and dingy. Still, he walked closer to it, until he finally stopped at the entrance. He looked to the side to see a wooden sign near the gate. He walked over to it to better see the writing. It read:

 _Hello! Welcome to: I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT! LEAVE! LEAVE! THERE'S BAD STUFF, HERE! LEAVE, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!_

 _-PRINCESS BUBBLEGUM!_

"Uuuuuuuh…" Finally, after so many warnings, it dawned on the little numskull what exactly the Princess was trying to say. "Oh yeah!" said Cinnamon Bun. "This is the place that the Princess told me NOT to have a picnic! Hahahaha! Says it's full of bad things!" He stood smiling, absent-mindedly, for a few seconds. It was as if he forgot what happened in the past ten seconds, because after a long pause, he proceeded into the cemetery, anyway. "La la la la la la la la!" he began to sing again.

He strode through the cemetery, which appeared darker and creepier than the forest. The clouds were grayer than the ones he saw outside the forest, while the thunder and lightning were louder and flashier, and the demonic laughter much more sinister. Even worse, as he walked across the muddy ground, he could see tombstones, all of which appeared to have the words _Turn back!_ chiseled on them, as if to tell Cinnamon Bun of the upcoming terrors that lay ahead. Still, he was unfazed by any of this, and still he strode forward. Eventually, however, he stopped when he noticed that it was starting to rain.

"Ah, poo-bags!" he exclaimed. "Now I'll never get to enjoy my picnic! My day is ruined!" He hung his head in defeat and started to turn away and head for home. But, something caught the corner of his eye: a large, stone mausoleum, with windows and a doorway that contained nothing but the inky blackness of the dark. "Oh goodie!" Cinnamon Bun shouted. "A warm place to have my picnic! My day is finally looking up!" With renewed vigor, he ran into the mausoleum.

His flashlight brightened up the dark place to reveal the inner workings of the mausoleum. It was not particularly elaborate. It consisted of a single, very grey room, the floor covered in the skeletons of humanoid figures with varying weapons and armor. Of course, those weren't the features that caught the eye of Cinnamon Bun, but rather, he turned his attention to the strange, brown rectangle at the farthest end of the mausoleum. "Oh boy! A bench!" He exclaimed. "Now, I can rest my butt while I eat my picnic!" So, he ran to what an absent mind such as his (particularly one perusing a mausoleum) presumed to be a bench and plopped his caboose down. He laid the flashlight at his side, took out his lettuce, tomato, and ice-cream sandwich, and took a bite of it. However, he bit off a little too much, and began to choke. He took a swig of his cherry Kool-Aid, and he felt better. "Aaah! That hit the spot! I just really hope I don't spill my drink over this bench!" And just as soon as he said that, he knocked over the pitcher, and the contents started seeping into the bench. "Aaaaargh! Dang it!" shouted Cinnamon Bun. "It took me forever to make that!"

However, little did Cinnamon Bun know that the bench was actually a sarcophagus, containing the ashy remains of an ancient evil. The Kool-Aid spilt onto the ashes, the contents seeming to be sucked up by the pile with a disgusting, slurping sound. Within seconds, the ashes began to configure into a horrific, humanoid creature with shriveled, pale skin, sharp teeth, pointed ears, strands of wispy brown hair, and a short, scraggly beard. It suddenly opened its eyes, revealing nothing more than the black holes of its eye sockets, and it began to shriek. It flew upward and punched through the sarcophagus, sending Cinnamon Bun flying through the air. His red scarf fell off his body and onto the side of the sarcophagus, whereas he came crashing down on the mausoleum floor right on his head.

"Hehehe. Good thing I landed on my head!" said Cinnamon Bun. Then, he simply flipped himself back to his normal stance, picking up his flashlight to see the terrifying figure.

"I'm…I'm so hungry," said the creature in a raspy, vaguely Russian-sounding accent. It then stopped dead in tracks, seeming to be confused by its current predicament. It flew around the room, sniffing the air. "What? Where am?" It felt its eyeholes, scared. "I-I can't see! Why can't I see anything?!"

"Hahahaha! That's 'cuz you don't have eyes!" said Cinnamon Bun, quite proud of his observational skills, and not the least bit afraid of the monster.

"What?! Who said that?!" The creature's ears twitched about to find the source.

"I did! My name is Cinnamon Bun! What's yours?"

The creature finally turned to him. "Cinnamon Bun?" it inquired. "I don't remember any of my servants having that name. But, then again, I don't remember any of their names." It then smiled, its nostrils enlarging and filling with air. "Tell me, Cinnamon Bun. Are you…filled with blood?" The creature started to advance upon him.

Cinnamon Bun put a finger to his mouth and thought hard. "Uuuuh…." Was all he could say.

"GOOD ENOUGH!" Shouted the creature as it lunged at Cinnamon Bun. It tackled him to the ground with a hard thud and bit into his side.

"Hahahaha! Stop it! That tickles!" laughed Cinnamon Bun.

The creature ceased its assault, finally realizing that Cinnamon Bun did not, in fact, have any sort of blood in him. It spat out the sugar in its mouth. "Ack! This is not what I need!" said the creature. "I need red! He flew up into the air and shouted. "Servants! Where is my red?! Give me my red!"

Cinnamon Bun looked at the skeletons on the ground, and back to the creature. "Uh…I think your servants might be dead."

"Dead?" the creature asked, looking in the general direction of Cinnamon Bun. It looked around in fear "How? Where am I?" It felt for its eyes, again. "Why can't I see anything?" It felt its belly. "Why am I so hungry? And where are my washboard abs?"

"I dunno," said Cinnamon Bun. "But…maybe I could be your new friend, ya know? One who's not dead?"

"You?" asked the creature. "Make friends with a creature like you? What use would you be to me?"

"Uuuuh…" Cinnamon Bun thought.

"Aaaaargh! Never mind!" The creature interrupted. "I don't have time for this! I'll find some red, myself!" It felt around the room, sniffing for any potential food. While the creature roamed about, Cinnamon Bun simply went into a corner and began chewing on a bone from one of the skeletons. After a while, the creature looked under him, where the remains of the sarcophagus lay and began to sniff more hardily. It went down and grabbed the scarf that Cinnamon Bun once wore, sniffing at the sweet "delicacy," and drove its teeth into it, sucking the red right off, turning it grey. Soon, the hideous monstrosity turned into a handsomer version of itself, its hair and beard now fuller, its body more toned, and its eyes more…well, dottish. It was a man. "Aaaah. That was refreshing," said the creature happily, his voice now clear and silky. He felt his abs once more, and gave a satisfied smile. He turned to Cinnamon Bun, and raised his hands. "Now, mortal scum! Prepare to bow down to your new ruler! Before you stands GUNMOR: THE VAMPIRE KING!"

"Aaaahhhhh!" screamed Cinnamon Bun, covering his eyes in what appeared to be fear.

"Aha!" shouted Gunmor. "It seems my reputation has preceded me! But, your screams for mercy have fallen on deaf ears, doughnut beast! For you shall be my first…"

"You're naked!" interrupted Cinnamon Bun, turning away.

"What?" asked Gunmor. He then looked down his body, realizing that he had exposed his "happy bits." He covered his crotch with his hands and blushed. "Oh my. This is embarrassing...um…" He thought for a moment, and then pointed to Cinnamon Bun. "You! Find me some clothes, now!"

"Ok!" said Cinnamon Bun, happily. He then started scraping bits of himself off and knitted them together, while Gunmor stared at him in disbelief. In a few seconds, Cinnamon Bun knitted a t-shirt and shorts, and presented them to Gunmor. "Here ya go!" Cinnamon Bun said.

Reluctantly, Gunmor grabbed the clothing. "Well, I suppose it's better than nothing," said Gunmor, and cringed as he put them on. "Thank you, strange, sugar creature."

"No problem!" said Cinnamon Bun.

Gunmor put a finger to his chin and thought for a moment. "Ya know," he finally said. "You're a pretty resourceful individual. How would like to be my new thrall?"

"Uuuuh…" Cinnamon Bun hesitated. "Is that gonna hurt?"

"Oh no! Not at all, my little friend! All you need did to do is look deeply into my eyes."

"Uuuh...ok!" And so he did just that, trying to focus his eyes into those of Gunmor's. Gunmor's eyes turned into swirling vortices and he rose his hands, wiggling his fingers.

" _Look into my eyes, and you will clearly see_

 _That the only meaning of your pitiful life is to serve me!"_

"Hahahaha! Your eyes look like tiny Peppermint Butlers!" Cinnamon blurted out, and he proceeded to lick Gunmor's face.

Gunmor recoiled in disgust, and pushed Cinnamon Bun so hard into a wall that it cracked. "Aaaargh! Why didn't that work?" snarled Gunmor. He boiled up with anger, but then took a few breaths to calm himself down. "You know what? Forget it. I don't even want to bother with you. I'm out of here." And, just like that, he was out of the mausoleum.

Cinnamon Bun simply pulled himself off the wall and waved his hand. "Ok! Bye! Bye! Goodbye! Bye! Bye!" Cinnamon Bun said to the now vacant spot that Gunmor had been. "Wow! He was a really nice guy! I think he's my new best friend!"

* * *

Gunmor made his way over the graveyard and into the woods, trying to to get as far away from that "thing" as possible. "I can't believe it!" He said to himself. "The first thing I see when I wake up in Grund knows how long, and it's a talking bagel with the mind of a zombie! A brain-dead zombie!" He looked around the place as he floated along, hearing the noises of creepy laughter. "Where am I, anyway? These are not the beautiful, creepy forests of Bulgeria. The trees and scary laughter are far less menacing. Almost as if forest and fake or something." When Gunmor felt he had gained enough space between him and Cinnamon Bun, he decided, out of morbid curiosity, to check behind one of the trees and found that a tape recorder was strapped onto it by few loose pieces of duct tape. He picked up the device, examined it, and looked to his side to see that the rest of the trees were also strapped with recorders. He scoffed, crushed the tape in his hand and tossed it aside. "Amateurs!" And with that, he continue on his way.

As Gunmor finally reached to the clearing of the forest, mumbling grumpily to himself, he was greeted with the familiar enemy known as "UV radiation." It took only a drop of sunlight, and he recoiled, hissing in pain, back into the cover of the forest. "AAAARGH! GRUND OF A BILK!" he cursed. He took a moment to gain his composure from the pain, and then put his fists to his now sugar-covered hips. "Well, that's just great! Just when I need to escape from that 'Pretzel Beast', the Groosh Darrnk sun has to be out! He folded his arms, and sat down in the air, thinking of a way to get around the sunlight. He put a finger to his chin and pondered. "Didn't I have a power that allowed me to get past this little problem?" he asked himself. He put his hands to his head, closed his eyes, and tried to massage the memory out. "I remember black. And puffiness. Lots and lots of puffiness." His concentration was severed when he heard Cinnamon Bun laughing his way to his location. Gunmor gasped, open his eyes, and turned to see the Candy Person just about half a football field away from him.

"Hahahahahaha! Wait! Take me with you!" Cinnamon Bun shouted.

"Oh Grund! Oh Grund! Oh Grund! Oh Grund!" Gunmor exclaimed. He went back to his memory-finding posture, and thought even harder than before. "Think! Think! Think! What was that power?" He stood there for a moment, Cinnamon Bun only a few feet away from him. After a long time thinking, he finally remembered. "Oh, yeah!" he said. "My 'Cloud of Shroud!'" He raised an index finger above his head, and focused his energy into forming a black cloud. "There we go!" he said in triumph, and, as soon as he made it, he flew away into the sunny sky, leaving Cinnamon Bun behind.

"Ah! Dang it! He's too fast!" Cinnamon Bun said in a frustrated tone. He sat on the ground, feeling defeated. He then noticed some stuff on the ground leading out of the forest. It was bits and pieces of his sugary epidermis that fell off of the clothes he made for Gunmor. He perked up at the sight of them. "Oh boy! Now I can find my best friend!" He got up and followed the path, licking up his sugary bits as he went.

* * *

Gunmor made his way out of the forest, Going as high as he could so that Cinnamon Bun could not reach him. He wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead as he sighed in relief. "Phew! That was close." After catching his breath, Gunmor finally took notice of the strange, colorful world that now surrounded him. "Wha-what t is this place?" He flew up even higher than before, to the point where he could see the almost the entirety of his strange new world. Being so high up, he could see everything, from pink trees and yellow dirt of a sweet-smelling kingdom, to the greens and browns of a grassy plain and the blues and whites of a frozen tundra. Gunmor took in the sight with both disgust and awe.

"What is all this? It's so...garish, so tacky, so…so…pleasant. I don't like the look of it. Not one bit. When I plan my next invasion..." He slammed his fist in his opposite hand. "I'll have all this architecture destroyed and replaced with the macabre! He chuckled evilly to himself. "Yes! that is exactly what I will do!" Gunmor then started to think about something else. "Hmm. This place seems familiar. Almost as if I had heard of it before. A colorful country beyond the lands of Bulgeria. What was it? Eeh…Uuuh...Denver?" He shook his head. "Whatever. It's as good as conquered when I get my comrades down in Bulgeria." He looked around the country below. "Speaking of which, where is Bulgeria, anyway? Hmm." His Vampire eyes did not grant him the eyesight of a bird, and his sense of smell him was completely useless from this elevation. However, where his other senses would fail him, his hearing would not. Like a radar dish, his ears jerked in all directions, searching for the familiar sounds of his homeland. Soon enough, he picked up the sound of faint creepy laughter, far different than the forest he was in earlier. He smiled. "Aha! There it is!" And with that, he flew in the direction of the sound.

* * *

Gunmor made his way across the icy mountains and reached a very large sea. As he flew above the open waters, he finally spotted a familiar sight: a gigantic island, with an enormous, black cloud hovering above towering, dark trees, with a large mountain overlooking them, even piercing the cloud above. And of course, the best part, Gunmor could hear the sweet sounds of evil laughter reverberating across the island. There was no mistaking. Gunmor had found Bulgeria. "Ah." He sighed. "Home sweet home."

Gunmor flew through the cloud, and into the dark atmosphere of Bulgeria's skies. No longer fearing the sun, he deactivated his Cloud of Shroud, took in the sight of the beautifully dark country and inhaled the sweet scent. As he scanned the horizon, he marveled at his many accomplishments. To the Southwest, he smiled at the smoking ruins of the Werewolf Kingdom. _Haha! Those mutts had it coming! They should've surrendered when they had the chance!_ To the East, he saw the large tower of the Checkomatchlockia, home of the Gunpeople. _That's a nice looking tower, but, man those Gunpeople were volatile._ He looked at the giant mountain to the North, the home of the Wizards of Oterplace. _Useful dudes, those Wizards. Poor taste in clothes, though._ Finally, he turned to the South, and hissed at the golden Kingdom of Nordsgath, the only kingdom not to be conquered yet. _You'll get yours, soon!_ But, Gunmor quickly dismissed the kingdom, just happy to be back in familiar territory. "Ah, it is good to be back. Strange. I didn't even realize that I had left. But, now that I am here, I will greet my people once more."  
Gunmor flew to a small, stony outpost in a ring-like pattern, bearing the red banner of his conquest. But something was wrong. The outpost was old and crumbled, almost as if it had been for centuries. Even stranger, there were no signs of any Vampires or slaves. "What happened?" Gunmor question. "Where is everybody?" Gunmor was very confused. Surely, there had to be someone down there. But, as he flew closer, He didn't see anybody. He decided to take a closer look at the snowy slopes of Oterplace. Sadly, it was also abandoned, and only the sounds of wind were heard. He then flew to Checkomatchlockia, which was equally empty. Gunmor began to worry a bit, but he also tried to cheer up and think of another possibility. "P-perhaps the others just had a wild party that went a little too far. Maybe they're all waiting to greet me back in…"

Gunmor was stopped by a sudden pain in his chest. "Aaargh! What is this?!" He shouted. "Something feels wrong! Very wrong!" Gunmor started to sink closer to the ground, grabbing at his chest. "My chest…it hurts! But…why?!" Then, painful memories began flowing back into Gunmor's mind. They were fragmented, but Gunmor could make out some of them. "Fire…everywhere! People screaming! _My_ people screaming! A sharp pain in my left breast!" With each memory, Gunmor seemed to be in more pain, to the point that he had to rest on the ground below. After a moment of his painful episode, Gunmor immediately rose to the sky and turned to the direction of his Kingdom. "Transylsvasmia!" he said concernedly. "I must go see if it is safe!" And with that, he took off, with great haste.


	2. Boring Exposition and Alternate Timeline

**Here's another chapter for ya, peeps. Sorry it's a little lame, but I feel it's a necessary evil before we can get to the good stuff. Also, I guess I should leave a disclaimer, or something: I do not own the characters of Adventure Time outside of my OC's. All things Adventure Time related belong to Pendleton Ward and everyone else who worked on it. Lastly, just in case you guys are new here, the people talking in the first person with parentheses around the sentences are the Writer and Narrator of the story, the former having no bolded or italicized lettering while the latter does possess those. I got criticized last story for overemphasizing them, so I'm gonna do my best to not play them up that much in this story, instead relegating their banter largely to this chapter. Thanks for the patience, peeps. Better things to come in the near future.**

 ***Update June 25 2019*: I've decided to make Bubblegum and Marceline's romance canonical with this continuity, at least in the past. After rethinking the meaning behind _What Was Missing_ as well as _Sky Witch_ (not to mention that it was actually made canonical by the end of the series), I decided that simply seeing it as nothing more than platonic was just not feasible (and a bit immature on my part). Honestly, I don't really ship those two, but it would add more tension between the two characters in later stories for my continuity. It would also better relate Marcy with Finn, as both had feelings for the same woman.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Alternate Timelines and Boring Exposition**

(Ok. I admit, peeps. I literally couldn't think of a better way to exposit most of the backstory for the Disgruntle Fanonverse, due to a lot the new info overlapping with the main-canon stuff. So I just basically made an exposition dump to get the boring stuff out of the way)

 _ **(Oh! Don't lie to the peeps! You're just a lazy bum who barely looked over the chapter and wanted to just get it over with! Also, nice job deleting the first draft to hide the fact that you dropped the gun on your planned universe!)  
**_

(Look! I admit I didn't think these things through, alright? Writing's hard biz, yo, and it's not like I have all of the time to write it.)

 _ **(Says the full-grown man with no job and still living with his parents!)**_

(…I hate you so much)

 _ **(I love you too, sweetheart. Anyway, much as I love to torment my lesser half, he's got a point. We didn't really cover much of the backstory of the DFV in the previous story, so it's best that we just do so, here.)  
**_

(That, and we got some flak for being too prevalent in the previous story, so I think it would also be best if we TRY to limit MOST of our banter to this chapter…but no promises)

 _ **(EXACTLY! And we don't wanna listen to this blabber mouth for twenty-something chapters, now do we?)  
**_

( **:(** )

 _ **(If you can't tell peeps, that's his exasperated face. What a cry baby! Now then, let's get this expositional gravy boat a gravyin'!)**_

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Alternate Timelines and Boring Exposition**

Much had changed in the past three years for our hero, Finn the Human. He had just about lost his hero's heart due to the break up with his ex, Flame Princess, the constant rejection by his long-time crush, Princess Bubblegum, the death of his hero, Billy, and even worse, the revelation that his only known blood relative, his father, Martin, was nothing more than a criminal and a selfish jerkwad, and Finn had lost his right arm in a vain attempt to get him to stay with him. For a good solid year, Finn had suffered from a bad case of the bumpass _**(a more awesome way of saying depression, in case you decided to skip "Attraction"…which you should go read, right now, cuz' it's really good and less than 30k words long!)**_ , and thus quit his adventuring, stopped carrying about helping others, forsook his Human heritage, and, overall, just lost his, well, Finny-ness. It seemed nothing was going right or would ever go right, again. _**(But wait! There's more!)**_

However, with the help of his many friends, especially his brother and bestie, Jake, his old crush, Bubblegum, and an unlikely friend (You know who it is, so I'll save her for later. Dramatics, am I right?) Finn would eventually overcome his serious bumpassness and return to the light. With all their helpful advice and his newfound determination, Finn became an even greater hero and adventurer than before, swearing never to get caught up in any bumpass moods, again, and always helping others in need, no matter what ate at him. For the past couple of years, Finn had received training from the greatest warrior ever to come out of the Candy Kingdom; Rattleballs. With his training, and the addition of a "kewl", new robotic arm that Bubblegum made for him, Finn's strength, speed, and reflexes had reached new levels for the already superhumanly-endowed Human boy. Not to mention, he would become much a kewler looking hero and adventurer later on. During his adventures, Finn had gotten an awesome looking sword that he unimbedded out of the skull of a giant, mountain-dwelling skeleton with the temper of a billy goat. It was a katana forged of white steel with a blue handle, of which Finn had ingeniously named the "Banana Sword," because of its resemblance to his third favorite fruit. Finn made a pact with himself that he would always strive to be and look as kewl as he possibly could _**(I mean, come on! What could be "kewler" looking than a dude in a fluffy, white bear hat?...Why are you looking at me like that?)**_

Now, eighteen years of age, Finn felt at his peak of kewlness, nearly being purged of all bumpassness. He wore a sweet, new "Rad Plaid" shirt around his waist (Because my big bro has a thing for putting men in battle skirts….don't ask. He's just weird like that), a scraggly patch of fuzz on his face to show off his new manliness, and was now as "tall as a pygmy redwood" as Jake would say. From then on, Finn decided that if life was gonna give him sass, he would tell Life to go sit in a corner and think about what she'd done, 'cuz he was gonna live her to the fullest. Life was gonna be his only woman, from now on. That's right. Finn had made the ultimate pact for himself to never hook up with a non-abstract girl ever again. He would dedicate the rest of his life fully to the cause of being the "Greatest Hero and Adventurer in all of Ooo," without the pains and aches of a girl to slow him down. There was no way in helps he would ever again be swayed by the power of "Like-Like!" right? Right? (OMG. I'm so clever. I really wonder if people are fooled by my genius-level of subtle foreshadowing)

* * *

Marceline Abadeer, more commonly known to her very few friends as "Marceline, the Vampire Queen", by contrast, had not changed a whole lot in the past 3 years. Not really. Well, maybe just a bit, but nothing substantial. Being a thousand and six years old (and change) in a world that was largely unchanging itself, she felt that she didn't really need to. She was content to live her immortal life on the edge, always living by her own rules, not giving a care what others thought of her. Of course, that's what the hardcore rocker chick usually told herself. But, deep down, she was actually quite insecure and lonely. Deep down, she wanted to have lasting friendships. Deep down, she wanted to share her life with someone. Deep down, she wanted to be loved…romantically. But such matters were usually fleeting. Most people would die, eventually, and those that didn't, she would eventually grow tired of, be it because they legitimately bored her or because they were just selfish butts who would use her for their own, selfish gain. _**(*sniffles* Oh, poor Marcy. Don't worry, dear, you'll find your love at the end. We're cheering for you *breaks down into a crying mess* DON'T GIVE UP!)**_ On top of all that, let's face it, Marceline wasn't the nicest or most caring individual you'd ever meet, and she was often quite selfish and apathetic to the problems of others, focusing on her own issues like a brooding, angst-ridden teenager (And none of us were like that in our lives, right? Glob, I hate high school-version-of-me). Living the way she has; all the loved ones lost, all the hardships she endured, all the jerkwads in her life, could anyone one really blame her? ( _ **If you say yes, don't! She's just complicated and sad, peeps! And if you have anything bad to say about my Marcy, I'm gonna take off your skin and shoved it up your…)  
**_

(Woah! Woah, dude! Chill. It's ok)

 _ **(*Sniffles* I'm sorry, I just get so worked up over Marcy, the perfectest girl of all time, and I can't bare the thought of someone who doesn't 107% agree with me)  
**_

(I know dude, I know. But we still gotta ways to go in this story, and I need you to be focused on the narration. Come on, stay strong… for Finn and Marcy!)

 _ **(*Sniffles* you're right! For Finn and Marcy!)**_

However, despite herself, Marceline had made a few friends along the way, and there were people she still loved, dearly. There was, of course, her father, Hunson Abadeer, the Demon lord of the Nightosphere, who she still had a really strained relationship with, but the two have still made a lot of headway, despite the fry-eating incident. There was also Simon Petrikov, who was like a second father to her, who had saved her countless times during the time of the apocalypse, and who she tragically lost to insanity brought on by the crown that turned him into the Ice King. After centuries of trying to stay away from that other side of him, she eventually let Simon back into her life, using each other's love of music to bond with him. She had wished that this bond was a little more heartwarming, but she was just finally glad that she made the attempt. For three years, they worked on a new album together called "Feels of Steel", and such activity has kept the Ice King from kidnapping princesses.

Speaking of princesses, her longest lasting relationship had been with her off-again-on-again girlfriend, Princess Bubblegum, a fact she accepted, begrudgingly. There was still a great deal of strain between the two, as they shared very little in common, anymore, and both were too stubborn and prideful to ever show appreciation for each other, outwardly, but deep down, there was still a feeling that both wanted to be closer, again. For a while, some attempts were made. Bubblegum got Marcy her teddy back from a crazy witch chick _**(I shall not say her real name, because she is a totally crappy villain with poorly explained motivations and helped make one of the worst episodes in Adventure Time's history! Sorry, peeps, "Sky Witch" was hot garbage, and you know it!)**_ by trading her favorite shirt that Marcy gave her years back (a fact that Marcy would not figure out until later). In return for her deed, Marcy did several odd jobs for the princess, even if she didn't want to. However, Marcy's pride and jealousy eventually got the better of her, as she was both humiliated by Bubblegum's showing off of her intelligence and ingenuity during their big adventure together, as well as the fact that she didn't want to feel like she owed her anything in the future.

And in about a year's time, she got her opportunity to really get even with Bubblegum. When that same crazy witch attempted to extract Bubblegum's essence, Marceline came just in the nick of time to save her and beat the crap out of the witch. However, due to Marcy's arrogant pride to show off a feat that Bubblegum herself was not able to do against the witch, as well as her anger of learning that Bubblegum had so haphazardly given up the shirt without even telling her about it, the two got into a huge argument, and in a moment of pure rage, Marc ripped the shirt in half out of spite, effectively ending their friendship for good. Since that day, the two have not spoken in two years.

A few years back, Marcy had also made friends with Jake the Dog, who used to be the biggest scaredy-cat when they first met, prompting her to scare the poots out of him whenever she got the chance. However, years of getting to know each other allowed them to ease the tension between each other (though she did occasionally scare him just for the laughs), and the two often shared jam sessions when Jake brought his brother, Finn, along.

Ah, yes! Finn! By far, Marceline's closest friend and her personal favorite to tease. What started out as a lot of uncertain moments of moral ambiguity soon turned into a friendship that's lasted for almost six years. Marcy had not spent as much time with Finn during the first four years of their friendship, as Finn had the responsibility of being the greatest hero in Ooo, and had a lot of other friends he hung out with, including that Flame Princess girl he had dated (Not to mention the aforementioned apathy and selfishness brought up in paragraph four).

However, when she finally took notice of all the bumpassness that Finn was going through, a new side of Marcy had been revealed to him (One she herself was not even sure existed until that moment), one who was willing to pay a lot money to buy an enormous block of cheese to bribe some giant Rats to have a pretend fight with her and Finn to help him recover from his bumpassness (only in an _Adventure Time_ story can you say any of that with a straight face). When Marcy came in the nick of time to saved him and Jake from a horde of Orcs, Goblins and Trolls, a new kinda friendship had blossomed between her and Finn, and the two became closer than ever before. They now had twice the number of jam sessions, had some good laughs by pranking some peeps across Ooo, and when time permitted it, the two would even go on adventures together. For the better part of two years, the two had actually become 'friends-friends.'  
But, of course the two agreed that they would only remain friends-friends. While both had admitted to each other that they had feelings that were on the level of like-like, they agreed that they were not ready for such a step, and that their friendship would be better without the complications of romance. And there was no way they'd ever break that promise. Not ever.

* * *

 _ **(Ha! Yeah right! Like we'd ever leave these two in the friendzone! It's only a matter of time, peeps! Now, all caught up, ladies and gentleman? Good! Cuz this narrator ain't stoppin' for nobody!)**_

(We'll try to keep our mouths shut during your reading of this fic, but if a particular scene needs a snarky comment, then we gotta answer the call. It's just how we roll, peeps)

 _ **(So, have a seat, crank up some Avril Lavigne, and let's see our favorite shipping in action!)**_


	3. Like-Like!

**Chapter 3: Like! Like!**

Marceline took Finn to a special place known as the "Dead Plains", a land that just so happened to be the gate way to the Underworld, the deepest and darkest of all the Dead Worlds. The Dead Plains were huge, about the size of ten football fields. The ground was covered in purple "zombie grass," and the bones of the dead of many sizes lay scattered. The sky was always covered in storm clouds, making it an ideal spot for Marceline, and the constantly flashing, purple lightning was more for dramatic effect than anything else. Marceline gave Finn the option of picking a famous person of his choice to fight, and she would resurrect him or her and any of his or her followers to do battle with. Hearing about a guy that the great Abraham Lincoln of Mars had known, Finn decided to choose the Union commander, General Ulysses S. Grant, and his entire army of Union soldiers. Jake had decided not to accompany them, feeling that the two needed some "quality time" together. Whatever the heck _that_ meant. Finn and Marcy had been fighting undead Yankees for about an hour. They were surrounded on all sides by the undead soldiers, all of whom decided to fight up close with bayonets instead of shooting them from a distance, but the duo held their own. Despite the lengthy battle, neither was particularly tired, and both were having a blast. However, General Grant, who was standing on a hill above the duo, was far less giddy.

He raised his hands to his mouth and shouted. "Come on, boys! Kill em'! Kill em' and use their bones as an altar for the Great Emancipator!"

"Wow, Marcy!" Finn said as he hacked down Yankees. "We sure picked a mean, blood thirsty bunch, didn't we?"

Marceline was just a few feet behind him, hacking down soldiers with her axe bass with the slightest of ease. "You mean _you_ picked a wimpy, chicken and pansy bunch!" She said in a feigned sense of disappointment. She had continued hacking away at the enemy for another five seconds, before finally turning to him when there was a lull in the fighting, giving a casual lean on her bass, and looked at Finn with a condescending smile. "Honestly, I'm a little disappointed! I was hoping you would have picked some one way meaner! Like…" She was interrupted by a couple of screaming Yankees behind her, whom she cut down with a single swipe. She put a hand to her chin "Oh, what was that one guy with the horses…Matilda the Nun?" She was interrupted again by a group of soldiers piling on top of her. But, she simply demolished them to pieces with a blast of telekinesis, and went back to her casual conversation. "Whatever 'what's-his-face's name' was! The guy with the funny mustache and helmet! He was a lot scarier than these wimps!" even more soldiers charged at her and, again, she cut them down with little effort.

As Finn continued to fight his own share of baddies, time seemed to slow down, for him, and he took a glimpse at Marceline, admiring her kickbuttery (and also her butt...Sorry. It was there. I had to). He knew Marcy was more than capable of holding her own in a fight, but it seemed that every time he saw her battle, her vigor and awesomeness multiplied by 2.7% (the highest number he could multiply to, 'cuz math was not his strong suit, yo). In fact, as her awesomeness multiplied, so did her good looks. Each time they met, Finn found it harder to resist her voluptuous figure, her flowing raven hair, and those cute, pointy ears. "Man," Finn whispered to himself. "Marcy is just so…'topographical.'"

"What?!" Marceline said, hacking through more soldiers. "What was that, Finn?! I can't hear you through the blood-curdling screams and snapping bones!"

"Huh?" Time sped up for Finn once more and he returned to his senses. _No! No! Bad Finn! Bad! Remember your promise!_ A soldier jumped on his back, but Finn effortless through it off, and it produced a Wilhelm scream when it flew through the air. "I mean, Yeah!" he slashed a couple of more soldiers down "That's totally topographical!" He did a spinning, diagonal flip on a group of Yankees. "We should…" He stretched out all his limbs to different sides, punching a Yankee's skull in with his robot hand, stabbing another one's head with his sword, and kicking the other two in the groin, sending all falling to the ground. "...definitely… " He saw a four Yankees charge at him at all sides, bayonets at the ready, and simply jumped in the air, letting the Yankees impale each other, and coming back down, using a single kick to knock them all aside. Finn looked back at her once more. "Do that next Tuesday!"

Marceline grew into her giant bat form and brought a massive hand down on the remaining troops in their vicinity. She turned to him, smiling. "Definitely!"

Meanwhile, from atop his hill, General Grant watched in horror as he saw half of his army get wiped out by the giant bat creature. He shook his bony fists in the air. "Dank stank it!" he shouted. "It's bad enough that the Johnny Rebs got a boy to beat us up, but now they got transmorphigating goat monsters, too?!" He contemplated his next move, until he finally had a plan. He pointed to a nearby soldier to his side. "You! Sargent Polasky!"

"Um…Lieutenant Schaefer…sir." the undead soldier said, nervously.

"Private Jenkins," Grant said. "I need you tell the men to ready the cannons!"

The Lieutenant gave a shaky salute. "Uh…yes sir!" He put his hands to his mouth. "Hey guys! Ready the cannons!"

"Ok!" The other soldiers said in unison, unenthusiastically. And they turned the cannons to the duo below.

General Grant held his hand up, readying his men for the upcoming barrage. "Ok, boys! He shouted. "By the count of ten, we will rain heck fire down on these non-believers who would dare give us sass about our great nation!" The undead infantry readied their muskets, while the artillery men held their matches close to the ignition of the cannons. Grant began to count aloud. "1…" he brought one finger down. "2…" he brought another one down. "3…4..." He used up all the fingers in his raised hand, so he raised his other hand. "5…6…7…8" He stopped, and decided to look at his hands. He had finally realized that he only had eight fingers in total. He got peeved at this. "Ah, snutch it!" He pointed toward Marceline. "Just shoot the demon down!" All the men turned toward Marceline and fired their muskets and cannon balls.

Time slowed down for Finn, once more, as he saw all the fire concentrated on Marceline. Finn, surprised and scared, and decided to act on his impulse. "Marcy! Nooooooooooooooooo!" Finn said in what felt like slow-mo. He jumped into the sky, wrapped his arms around Marceline's massive belly, and both came falling down. After what seemed like forever, Finn finally opened his eyes to see that he was right on top of Marceline, now reverted back to her normal form, smiling smugly. Finn looked in fear and surprise, his face red with embarrassment.

"Gee, Finn," Marceline said suggestively. "I didn't know you were into that kinda stuff."

"What?!" Finn felt his arms still around Marceline, which made him panic. "No! It's not anything like that, Marcy! I…I was just trying to save you and…and…" He tried to get his arms free, but they were stuck around Marceline's back. However, Marceline seemed to ignore his explanation, and simply grabbed his hands from behind her, and flipped him on to his back, with her now on top of him. She pinned his hands to the ground, and kept her legs pressed hard on the sides of his.

"Well, you should know, I always take 'topsies'." She said, seductively.

"M-M-Marcy!" Finn shouted. "W-What are you doing?!" He tried to get out of her grip, but Marceline was clearly the stronger of the two. "I thought we agreed to not go down this…"

She put a finger to his lips, shushing him. She giggled, flirtatiously. "Pucker up, hero." She closed her eyes, and brought her lips down to his.

Finn looked both in horror and a strange sense of delight. His hero-heart was saying "no," but his hormones were saying "yes." He wasn't sure which to follow at this point, so he simply closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, and waited to see what would happen next.

"FIRE AGAIN, SOME MORE!" Shouted Grant from afar, and even more musket and cannon balls rained down upon Finn and Marceline.

Finn had only got to see a glance of the explosion, wanting to tell Marcy to get out of the way, but everything turned to into a blur before he could say anything. In a few seconds, Finn found himself being carried in the hands of Marcy, who had gotten them both to safety behind what appeared to be a giant's shoulder blade.

Marcy placed Finn down like a weightless flower pot and brushed the sweat from her head. "Phew. That was close" She then looked at Finn's red face and dumbfounded expression. "What's wrong, Finn?" she asked, nonchalantly. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Muh…muh…muh..." was all Finn could say. Luckily, he didn't have to think too hard, anymore, as another barrage of explosive balls smashed into the shoulder blade, sending the two of them falling to the ground, and bringing Finn back to his senses.

"Aaargh! Dang it!" Marceline shouted. "These guys won't let up!"

"Calm on, Marcy!" Finn said with confidence. "These guys can't aim for beans! Let's just charge em' and go nutters!"

Marcy shook her head. "Naw, Finn. That's just what they'd expect us do. Plus, if we make just one little slip, they'll turn us into Swiss cheese."

Finn thought about this for a moment. He liked to charge his enemies head on, and he liked Swiss cheese, but he didn't like the idea of turning into a salty treat, especially before dinner. Finn frowned at Marcy's refusal, but he decided to comply. "Harumph! Ok. So, what do we do?"

Marceline thought for a moment. She snapped her fingers in a "eureka" moment. "I got it! You wait here while I'll go get some help, ok?." As she took to the air, she turned back to him to say. "And don't move from this spot, alright? I don't wanna get my hair dirty digging a grave for your sorry butt." Then she flew off into the distance, disappearing over the horizon.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, General Grant accessed the current situation. He saw that the giant's shoulder blade still remained unscathed. _Hmm,_ he thought to himself. He thought through a plan in his head, and then turned to his men. "Alright, men! I know we've been at this whole heavy artillery business for a good while, but after careful consideration, I decided that we SHOULD FIRE SOME MORE ARTILLERY TO MAKE SURE THEIR CORPSES NEVER RISE AGAIN!"

The men just looked at him, awkwardly, for a moment, until Lieutenant Schaefer decided to speak up. "Um…sir…the thing is, we…um…don't have any more ammunition."

"What?!" Grant screamed. "No ammonution?!" Grant began to boil with anger. "FOR ABE'S SAKE, WE WERE SO CLOSE!" He tore off his arm, and tossed it to the ground, stomping on it. He then raised his fist into the sky. "CURSE YOU DAVIS! CURSE YOU LEE! CURSE YOUR ENTIRE CONFEDERACY TO HELPS!" He went on his knees, feeling that he had no other option to turn to. But then, a spark of ingenuity came to him. He looked at the lieutenant to his left, and then the men on his right. _Yes!_ Thought Grant. _I got something the Rebs will never suspect!_ He got up, reattached his arm and pointed towards the lieutenant. "You! Major Henson!"

The Lieutenant straightened up for a salute. "Y-yes sir?!"

"You like flying?" Grant asked.

The lieutenant gave a puzzled look, rubbing the back of his head. "Um...I...guess so?"

* * *

Back with Finn, he was just sitting there, agitated by all the waiting and the desires his body was craving (both food-wise and girl-wise). _Come on, Finn!_ His hero-heart said. _Marcy is your friend, not your pleasure poster! You made a promise to yourself and to her that you guys would be just friend-friends! Stop screwing it up!_ However, as hard as he tried to fight these feelings, his hormones where fighting back even harder. _But, oh man,_ they to seem to say. _She's so beautiful. That body, that voice, that hair. And those ears. Those pointy, pointy ears. I just want to hold her and kiss her and pinched those ears so badly!_ Then his hero-heart decided to take back over. _No, Finn! This is not what you want! You're a hero, not a pervert! Get those foul thoughts out of your head, right now, young man, or no video games for you for an entire month!_ Then, his hormones interjected. _Don't resist it, my dude. It's like Jake said, 'you can't ignore your primestinctual thoughts. And man, my primestinctual senses are telling me you need to give Marcy the ol'..._ Finn both shook and smacked his head to stop that thought. "No! Cut...it...out...you...sicko!" Try as he might, it now seemed like both his heart and his hormones were in a wrestling match over his body, tearing him to pieces from the inside. _Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!_ The internal struggle just kept going and going and going, until, eventually, he couldn't take it, anymore. He got up, and gave his mightiest of boyish roars. "FUDGE THIS! I'm gonna charge these fools…FOR CROSSING THE TOLL BOOTH OF JUSTICE!" He then ran out from behind his wall of bone, and began to charge at the enemy, foaming at the mouth and screaming. Just then, he saw the enemy firing cannon balls again, so Finn jumped out of the way of each of their blast radii. "Ha! You guys need your smart glasses!" However, Finn wasn't so cocky when he saw that all the cannon balls turned out to be a bunch of undead soldiers rolled up into a fine ball. "Huh" Finn thought. "I need to try that trick with, someday." The soldiers all got out of their "platoon pellets", and began to charge the boy head on. "Alright, you boneheads! Time to show you what Finn the Human is really made of!" Finn simply engaged the enemy head on.

* * *

For a while, Finn was able to fend off most of the attackers, using the same tactics he had used before. However, as more soldiers were launched into the fray, Finn found himself overwhelmed. From atop the hill, Grant was celebrating his "Soon to be victory" with a long neck and a big ol' cigar. "Hahahahaaha!" He laughed. He gestured to the now empty spaces where his men used to be. "What'd I tell ya, boys?! There's a reason our president chose me for this mission!" He took a sip of his beer and a puff of his cigar, with liquid and smoke pouring from the holes in his body and took a casual lean on his undead Horse. "Pretty soon, the Rebs will be begging for mercy, and Honest Abe himself will make me a Super, Supreme, Ultra General Vice President!" He laughed some more. "Yes siree! This battle is as good as ours!" But, Grant didn't stay chipper for long. He took a closer look at the opposite side of the field, which was covered in a bunch of moving bodies, headed towards his way. "What in the…" He dropped his beer and cigar, and rushed to get a telescope from the pack on his horse. He unsheathed the scope, and took a good through it. He now could see, clearly, a bunch of mean looking fellows on horses. "Oh my…"

* * *

Finn was doing his best to fend off the horde of Yankees, but their numbers were too great, and he was tiring out. "Come on!" Finn said, breathily, hacking a soldier in half. "I've got...a ton more awesomeness...for ya!" He hacked at the enemies, but for each one he took down, five more seem to take its place. Finn was attempting to come up with a new move, as his hacking and slashing was not gonna cut it this time **_(Teehee. Get it? "Cut?" 'Cuz, ya know, he has a sword and stuff? Ugh. Look. It was a semi-decent pun, so I had to comment on it. If not I, peeps, then you would've in the review section...probably...maybe...not at all)_**. _Come on, Finn!_ He shouted in his head. _What was that cool move that Rattle Balls taught us?_ He thought hard as he defended himself from the Yankees, almost as if his arms were on autopilot, and his mind was in a state of strain, but focus. And then he remembered.

"Of course!" Finn shouted. "The Whirlwind Maneuever!" He readied himself by memorizing the moves in his head. "Ok! Swing the sword…" He began to do so, gradually gaining momentum, slicing or hitting back the soldiers in his immediate vicinity. "…jump in the air!" He jumped a good ten feet, the momentum of his sword taking him higher into the air. "…calm your mind…" Finn closed his eyes and focused. "…and let your body do the rest." In that instant, Finn became a blue and white tornado, and, for a while, his move seemed to be doing the trick. But, as soon as the vortex and dust cleared, he found himself on the ground, only taking a handful of the troops out, and leaving the others on their butts.

"Ah, dingus," Was all Finn could say, before the troops all dog-piled on Finn. Finn had spent most of his energy in that one move, and he could do very little but struggle. "Ugh! Get off me!" He shouted. "Y'all… smell like… cat butts!" Finn braced himself under the combined weight of the soldiers, using his remaining strength to do little more than to keep himself from being crushed. It seemed to be the end for our hero. But, at the final second, help had finally arrived.

"Yahooooooooooooo!" hollered Marceline, as she led her army of Huns on horseback across the battlefield. The Horses trampled much of the Yankees, like a tide smashing the shore, and soon the battlefield was covered with Huns doing battle with Yankees. Marcy found a mound of Yankees, and figured that was where Finn was.

"Pfft. I told him to wait," She said, condescendingly. She jumped off her horse and dived, headfirst, into the pile of Yankees. She hacked her way into the pile, until she was smack dab in the center. She hollowed out the inside, picked up Finn, and cut a doorway out of the mass and the rest of the undead mound fell to pieces. She placed Finn down on the ground, and pressed her palms on Finn's chest to revive him. In one good push, Finn began coughing out the stink gas of the Yankees. He opened his eyes to see Marcy on top of him again. "You ok?" Marcy asked.

Finn felt the rush of embarrassment from before, and jumped to his feet. "Yeah! I feel great!" He flexed his mechanical arm to show that he was alright. "Thanks a ton, Marcy!"

She poked him in his chest very hard. "That's two you owe me, Pal. Next time, listen before you do something stupid, alright?"

Finn rubbed the spot on his chest, and smiled back at her. "Ok, Marce." He lied, of course. He couldn't follow a battle strategy to save his life. He was a man who always did things on the fly.

"Great," Marceline said with a nod and smile. She picked Finn up, once more, and placed him atop her undead Horse. "But, right now, you got a battle to win."

"Uh…Marcy?" Finn inquired. "What the heck am I supposed to…" before he could finish, Marcy slapped the Horse's hams, and it and Finn took off like a shot in the opposite direction.

"Go get em', hero." Marcy chuckled.

Grant was looking through his telescope to see Finn charging full force atop a horse, intriguing the general. "So, their general wants to challenge me in person, does he?" He sheathed the telescope and gave an amused _harumph_. "Well if he wants to die that badly, then I'll give him his wish!" He jumped atop his Horse, and pulled out his sword. "Come on, Cincinnati!" He shouted to the Horse. "Let's show that badger-eared hooligan what happens when you mess with Ulysses S. Grant!" He kicked his Horse with a "Hiya!" and they went to engage Finn.

* * *

Finn didn't know how to ride a Horse, usually preferring to converse and have tea with one, so he was doing little more than trying to not to fall off. "Woah, Mr. Horse!" Finn shouted, as he held tightly to undead horse's neck. "Could you…like…slow down, and stuff?!" The horse did not respond, far to set on attacking its target. "Please?!" Finn please. "Pretty please?!" Finn gripped even tighter. "PRETTY PLEASE WITH A SIDE OF BACON!" But, still, the horse continued its charge. Finn had his eyes clenched hard, until he heard the scream of Grant, as the latter attempted to cut his head clean off. However, Finn managed to dodge the strike, and tugged the horse's neck, causing them to turn in the opposite direction, facing Grant.

"You're quick on the draw, boy, I'll give you that," said Grant. "But, you're up against the greatest general who ever wore a pair of woolen pants!"

"Yeah! Well…" Finn began. He took a moment to come up with a clever comeback. "Y-your pants look dumb!"

Grant gasped in surprise. He raised his sword in anger. "How dare you insult my leggings?!" He continued to charge. "Have at you!"

"Ah, bean sniffers!" Finn said. And at that, his Horse began the charge again, Finn instinctively grabbing hold of its neck as it did.

"Aaaaaaaargh!" the general shouted, his sword readied for another chop.

"Aaaaaaaaargh, enough of this jazz!" Finn shouted. He hopped off his Horse, jumping high into the air, just in time to miss Grant's swing.

Grant looked into the sky. "Hey! That's cheating!" But Finn was already above him, ready to finish him off. Grant gulped. "Ah, crackers," he said, accepting his inevitable "redeath." With that Finn, cleaved Grant and his Horse in two with a single slash, ending the fight, once for all.

"Aaaaah yeeeeeeeeah!" Finn shouted, raising his sword into the air. "My Banana Sword brings death to all who serve evil's hand!" He sheathed his sword, and saw Marceline hovering toward him.

"Nice work, hero," she said casually. She pointed a thumb behind her, indicating the victorious army. "And I mopped up the rest of your mess."

"Hey!" Finn shouted, playfully. "You're the one who brought them to life."

Marcy gave him a raspberry. "Yeah. Whatever. I'm gonna go talk to Attila, over there." She indicated the guy with the long mustache and horned helmet.

"Ah man! You brought that guy back to life already?!" Finn asked excitedly. "I thought I was gonna have to wait a whole week to meet that guy! Woo!"

"Don't mention it," Marcy said smugly. The two walked up Attila the Hun. "Commander, you did a spot up job mopping up those fools in blue."

"I do it for the glory of combat, my country, and of my lady!" said Attila in a comically high-pitched voice."

"As a reward for your good work," She continued. "You guys get to drink the enemy's entire winery."

Attila smiled at that. "Yes, my lady!" he turned to his men. "Calm on guys! Let's party like there's no tomorrow!" The men cheered, and ran to the opposite side of the battlefield, headed toward the enemy's camp.

Finn looked in amazement. "Wow! That guy's moustache and helmet look super awesome!" He turned to Marceline, and pointed back at them. "Can I have a helmet and moustache, like that, too?"

"Next week," Marcy answered, smiling. "When we fight these guys."

"Rad!" Finn answered, happily.

Then, the Horse that Marceline had made Finn ride on earlier walked up to them, slowly.

"Hey, Manuel," Marcy said, floating towards the undead Horse and stroked its decaying face. "You did a good job, too."

"Manuel?" Finn asked.

"Oh. Sorry, Finn. I got so excited about the fighting, I didn't introduce you two." She pulled Manuel closer to Finn. "Manuel, this is Finn. Finn, Manuel."

"Hehehe. S'up, Manuel?" Finn reached up to pet the Horse. But, Manuel jerked his head away, unsure of his new acquaintance. "W-what's wrong?"

"You gotta offer him some Zombie Grass," Marcy said matter-of-factly. "Duh. Don't you know anything about Zombie Horses?"

Finn ignored Marcy's retort, used to her smartelic attitude, by this point. He reached for the ground, grabbing for the toothed grass that sought to eat his hand. With a quick swipe, he grabbed the grass by their roots, away from their tiny maws. He walked up slowly to Manuel, putting the grass near his mouth. Manuel sniffed the grass, and greedily took the grass from Finn's hand. He munched happily on the grass, though the grass shrieked in pain as they were turned to paste his mouth. Manuel whinnied happily, and brought his head down on Finn's hand, who petted the beast in kind. "Hehehe. Good boy, Manuel." The turned to Marcy, generally curious to know more about the Horse. "So, how did you guys meet?"

Marcy cringed at the question. She hesitated a bit, but slowly gave an answer. "He...he was…a gift from a…an old boyfriend." She floated towards Manuel, and gave another him pat on his face. "We go back a very long way." She looked near to tears at this point.

Finn felt he struck something, so he walked up to Marceline to try and comfort her. "Marcy, I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"No, Finn," She said, turning to him, abruptly, trying to lighten her expression. "It...it's good."

"Oh," Finn said, still uncertain about it. "Ok. Cool."

Marcy gave a smile and brightened up, not wanting Finn to worry about her. "Now, why don't you go back home, huh? I'm sure Jake's worried that I kidnapped you to harvest your blood."

Finn gave a nod, his worrying dying down. "Ok, Marcy," He started to turn away, but turned back around. "And thanks for the Zombie slaughter fest! That was really super adjacent!"

Marcy shrugged. "Don't mention it, hero," As he started walking away, another thought popped into her head. "Oh, Finn? One more thing."

Finn turn around to face her. "Yeah, Marcy?" Marcy floated over to him, put her hands on his shoulders, and gave him a big, wet kiss on his cheek. Finn's body started to tense up from the hormones and surprise.

"Mwah!" Marcy let out as she released her lips from his cheek. She slid a finger under his chin, causing the boy to grow even redder. "That was for earlier," She said in a seductive way. "Now, we're even." She then pushed Finn down to the ground. "Now, get out of my sight before I kill you! BLEEEEEEGH!" she said with a scary, distorted face.

"Hehehehe. Y-y-yeah, Marcy," Finn said, trying to laugh off the uncomfortable feeling he had. "S-s-see ya around." He got up, and ran as far away as he could.

Marceline cackled as he ran off, ever so entertained by his discomfort. "Oh, Finn. You're really too much fun." As she finished laughing, she felt a sense of disappointment, but still tried to make light of her feelings "It's too bad we agreed just to be friends, huh?" she whispered to herself. However, as the final image of Finn disappeared into the distance, she couldn't hide her depression any longer, and she held her head down and sighed. "Kinda regretting that decision, now, TBH." As she let her feelings fester, however, she became much more frustrated and tears began forming in her eyes. "Glob-dangit, Finn! Why did you have to grow up to be a semi-decent looking guy?!" She felt a nudge from behind her and turned to see a worried Manuel. She looked at him, angrily. "And why did I have to bring you back, of all times?!" The horse hung its head down, fully aware that Marcy was upset with him. However, Marcy's face began to soften, and she patted the horse, gently. "It's ok, Manuel. I'm not mad at you." In truth, she knew it wasn't Manuel's fault, as he was just an animal following his master's orders. It was his former owner, her old boyfriend, whom she was truly mad at. She forced a smile, brought the horse's head to her face, and she stroked it. "I'm alright, Manuel. Just go back to your grave, and I promise I'll visit you real soon, ok? And I'll give you all the Zombie Grass you can eat." The horse brightened up, gave a last whinny, and galloped off. As the horse disappeared into the fog, her façade of a smile started to melt. Tears formed in her eyes, and her mind raced at her combo of frustrations of now and of the past. "Why, Richard?" She sobbed. "Why did you have to do it?"

* * *

Finn ran with all his might across the grassy plains, trying his darnedest to get as far away from Marceline as possible. "I DON'T LIKE HER IN THAT WAY! I DON'T LIKE HER IN THAT WAY! I DON'T LIKE HER IN THAT WAY!" he kept repeating to himself. "SHE'S JUST JACKING WITH YOUR BRAIN! SHE'S JUST JACKING WITH YOUR BRAIN! SHE'S JUST JACKING WITH YOUR BRAIN!" He eventually stopped his ranting when he tripped over a log, and landed face first in the mud. He sighed, the bubbles forming in the mud as he did so. He got up and wiped his face, giving an exasperated sigh. "Maybe I do still like her in that way. Oh, man. Why did this have to happen to me?" For the better part of two years, Finn did his best to resist the power of "like-like", pushing any sorta thought to the back of his mind. He realized a while back that his typical "Mind-Vault Technique" didn't work in instances like this, for if it did, he would've forgotten those feelings he had for Bubblegum and Flame Princess a long time ago. Instead, he would try and meditate on the subject and purge like-likeness out of his brain, but with each passing day, like-likeness just kept coming back, stronger and stronger. After a while, he thought about what Jake told him during the Skull Mountain adventure; while he should definitely take some time to think it over, ultimately, he couldn't resist girl-type thoughts, forever, and the more he tried to do so, the more he would become miserable and lash out at the ones he loved.

Finn sighed "What if Jake's right?" Finn asked himself. "What if my 'sometime meter' is already used up and I now I gotta ask Marcy to be my girlfriend?" While part of him relished the chance of holding Marcy in his arms to kiss her, the other part kept reminding him of the screw up he made with Flame Princess, and that his perverted thoughts would eventually lead him to a repeat of that same event, if he acted upon them. Finn teared up at that latter prospect, and despite his primestinctual desires, he continued to resist the temptation. "No!" Finn protested. "I made a promise to myself and Marcy for us to be friend-friends, and I'm gonna stick to it, Grob-doggit! I wanna be the greatest hero and adventurer in all of Ooo, and to do that, I have to keep fighting these girl-type thoughts!" Finn took several heavy breathes, pushing back the thoughts he deemed impure until they were locked up in his-mind jail. With those out of the way, he went into deep meditation, while simultaneously still walking. He had gotten really good at that.

* * *

After another half hour, Finn finally reached the tree fort, purged of any thoughts about Marcy, for the time being, while simultaneously eating a sandwich to purge himself of hunger. He hummed to himself with a mouthful of sandwich stuffs as he entered through the door. Inside, Jake was playing B-MO on the couch, looking pretty chill, as usual. "Hey, Jake!" Finn said casually, scarfing up the rest of his sandwich.

Jake turned to meet his brother. "Hey, Finn!" He said excitedly. "Say, you got home a little late." He said, suggestively.

"Yeah," Finn said with a full mouth, without noticing Jake's assumption. He swallowed the last bit of his sandwich. "That battle with the Yankees was a lot more intense than I thought it'd be."

"Yeah, I bet it was 'intense'." Jake said, seeming to press the subject.

"Yeah it was!" Finn said, oblivious to Jake's patronizing. "Me and Marcy had to go 'Super, Awesome Kick-Butt Mode' on those Jaspers!"

"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm," Jake seemed to only be half paying attention to what Finn was saying. "Then what happened?"

"Then, Marcy put me on a dumb looking Horse," Finn continued. "And then I fought Abe Lincoln's buddy, General Grant, and beat his face into a bloody, pulpy mess!"

"Yeah, yeah. Then what happened?" Jake asked, pressing Finn to tell him the more "interesting" stuff.

"And then we totally won the battle, and now I'm home."

"And then she gave you a smooch, didn't she?!" Jake said, excitedly.

"Smooch?" Finn asked.

"Yeah. I bet she was like…" He took the shape of Marceline. "Oh, Finn, you're so cool and rad and junk that I think you deserve a smooch!" Jake said in a silly, falcetto voice.

"What?!" Finn asked, surprised. "She didn't say that!"

Jake split another body at his side, which took the shape of Finn. "Oh yeah, baby," It said in a deep manly voice. "I think I would appreciate a smooch very, very mooch."

"And I didn't say that either!" Finn said, defensively.

"Okay, Mr. Man," Jake-Marcy said to the Jake-Finn. "Prep the landing pad, 'cuz My lips are coming in for a _smooth_ landin'." It then stretched out its lips and slapped them right onto the cheek of Jake-Finn. "Mmm-Hmm," Jake-Finn said, amorously. "Girl, your lips are like a golden unicorn's locks across the side of an angel's booty."

Finn felt the memory of the kiss Marcy gave him earlier. It did feel nice. _Oh no! I'm thinking about her again!_ "Jake!" Finn shouted. "That's all bing-dingus, and you know it!"

Jake transformed back into his normal self, laughing heartily. "Aw, come off it, bro!" He pointed at Finn all smooth like. "I know you still got the hots for Marcy! It's been obvious for years, now!"

"What?" Finn asked. "No, I don't!"

"Mm-hmm," Jake answered, accusingly. "And Marcy's still got a soft spot for you too." He stretched out his arm and poked Finn in his gut. "Right in that spot where you stash your food items."

Finn smacked his hand away. "For your information, bro, me and Marcy are still just friends!" He folded his arms to reinforce his statement. "We agreed that we would never date each other, and we meant it!"

Jake smiled smugly. "Yeah. But that was when you were just a boy." He gave his arms some muscles. "Now you're maaaaaaan!" His voice went all deep and scratchy, as he started flexing. "Yeah! Huah! Ladies love a man with muskles!"

BMO giggled to himself and/or herself and joined in on the fun "Heehee. Finn's gotta girlfriend. Finn's gotta girlfriend," He/she/it said in a semi sing-song tone. "Next, he'll start to kiss her, and soon they'll truly wed."

"Hahahahaha!" Jake laughed. "Good one, BMO!"

"You stay out of this, BMO!" Finn protested, blushing. "This is between me and Jake!"

"But I haven't finished, yet, Finn!" BMO answered, innocently. Clearing His/her/its throat (or the rough equivalent of a sapient video game's throat, whatever that might be), and continued singing, "And then on their honey moon, he'll let her drive the sled. And then, when the night falls, he'll take her right to…"

"Woah, Woah, BMO!" Jake said, covering BMO's mouth. "That's only something us adults are allowed to say!"

"But I am an adult, Jake," BMO insisted, outstretching an arm with a crudely-made crayon drawing of platypus holding a knife. "I just got a tattoo, the other day. Pretty cool, huh?"

Jake just answered with a raised brow.

"BMO!" shouted Finn, blushing a bright red from both anger and embarrassment. "Go into sleep mode, now!"

At that, BMO powered down, and Jake gasped. "Dude! I didn't save my game! Now I'll have to start all the way back to level nine at the Warlock's patio!"

Finn smiled smugly. "Serves you write for getting into my P-biz!"

Then Jake smiled back. "Oh…so you really _do_ have the hots for Marceline, then?"

Finn scoffed at this. However, he was getting tired of this banter, so he simply laughed Jake off. "You're so full of it, Jake! I'm gonna go to bed, now. Nighters!"

"Alright, dude" Jake said, suggestively. "Sweet dreams, my dude…of smooching Marcy!" he wrapped his arms around himself to simulate a make-out session, making gross kissing noises that caused Finn to cringe in disgust on his way up the ladder to their room.

* * *

Finn decided to skip whole "brushing his teeth" part of bed preparation. He was really tired, and was already missing half his teeth, anyway. So he decided to slip into his fuzzy pajamas, wrap up in his sleeping bag, and tried to fall asleep in his bed. "You can do this," He said to himself. "Just don't think about Marcy. Don't think about kissing her, hugging her, or anything that turns her into an object of affection." He took several more breathes and eased his mind once more. Along with meditation, he also used another method to help get to sleep. He thought about all the things that made him happy about his reformation as a hero and an adventure. "Think about saving princesses," He said to himself. "And going on adventures with your bestie, Jake, and, most of all; going into the grasslands for some gold ol' fashion 'Ogre-tipping'." With that final thought, Finn's mind was finally in bliss and cleansed from romantic thoughts. After a few snores, he giggled to himself. "Hee hee. That Ogre poots when he falls down."

* * *

 **Alright, peeps! One more chapter, and we'll have caught up to where we last left on the original draft! Thank you again, to all who have stuck with me, this far!**

 **Fun fact: this chapter came to me in a dream before I actually wrote it, and after two versions of this chapter that I thought were utter crap, I went with this version because I thought it was genious!**


	4. The Mission

**Here we are, peeps! All caught up with the chapters I posted for the earlier draft and ready for you to enjoy! Thank you for your patience, and I'll post another chapter, in the near future!**

* * *

 **Chapter 4: The Mission**

In no time flat, Gunmor flew over Lake Twiligtening and finally reached his island home of Transylsvasmia. However, like the other Kingdoms, Transylsvasmia was in ruins. The many manors that dotted the landscape were crumbled, the red flower farmlands all dead and decaying, and the once beautiful red flags and tapestries were all tattered and torn. And worse still, not a single Vampire or slave was to be seen. Gunmor felt a twinge of fear, pain and sadness. He must have truly been gone for a long time if things looked as bad as they did. Even so, Gunmor looked around the ruins of Transylsvasmia, hoping that he would find at least one Vampire who survived the attack.

"Hello! Is anybody out there?!" he shouted. "It is I! Gunmor! Your king! I have returned! "Vlad?! Mina?! Walter?! Barry?! Varney?! Carmilla?! Can anyone hear me?!" He listened for any answers, but he was only greeted with silence. He looked into every building he came across, calling out to any possible survivors. But, again, there was no sound. Gunmor flew to the capital city, Darclua, which was surrounded by gigantic, sandstone walls and centered around a giant castle atop a hill. They too were worn down. Still, Gunmor continued his search in the many fancy mansions, but still to no avail.

It was not long before Gunmor was at his breaking point. He stood in the middle of the town square, took another moment to soak in his now grey and decayed world, and then began to tear up.

"That's it then," he said to himself. "My people are all dead. And I was powerless to save them." Gunmor sat on a nearby bench, and hung his head in grief. _But how?_ He thought. _Everything was going so perfectly. Almost every kingdom in Bulgeria was at my mercy. And now this? Who could have done this?_

But, really, what did it matter? His people were long gone. That much was clear. And now, he was alone. He was unsure of what to do, now. He slid down the bench until he was on the ground. The only thing he could feel were tears running down his face as he closed his eyes. _It's over. All over._

Then, Gunmor caught a whiff of several familiar smells that made the memory bits of his nostrils twitch. "Wait a minute…" He sniffed the air, making sure his mind didn't play any tricks on him. "…roses." _sniff._ "…and dryer lint!" Gunmor smiled at that last word. He remembered the simple, yet wonderful aroma of freshly dried clothing. Then, as soon as his smile appeared, it was just as quickly consumed by a scowl of repulsion at a smell so vile, it made his memory bits want to retreat back to a time when he was a baby and could only smell dumb baby things. "Ack! It smells like butt!" _sniff_. "And onions!" He continued to sniff the air, and turned his head to a path leading up the hill where the great fortress Castlesvasmia sat stalwartly. Though it, like the rest of Bulgeria, seemed to have been overtaken by time and carelessness, Gunmor's heart still warmed at the thought of those days long ago when he held court in the impenetrable walls of Castlesvasmia.

* * *

Gunmor reached the doors to the castle in only a few seconds, and used his vampiric strength to pry them open. He immediately flew into the entrance, the scents getting even stronger. He made his way across the main hall and into the throne room. He stopped for a moment to take a glimpse of the once beautiful place where he held court with his people. It looked dingy and rundown like everything else, but in his mind's eye, he could see the red carpet and tapestry, the many tables in which his guests would eat and gossip, the floors in which his slaves would entertain him and the dual thrones that sat in the far corner. Gunmor gave a weak smile. _Good memories here,_ he thought. But, as he looked at the throne even harder, he could see a flicker of a young and beautiful female Vampire, laughing. Gunmor grimaced. _I remember you, too._ She looked like she was having fun, talking with what looked like an apparition of himself, who laughed heartily in return. But, his chest was beginning to hurt, again. "Aaaarrrgh! Again?! What is happening to me?!" Then, for a brief glimpse, he saw the young Vampire impale his spectral self in the chest with a stake. The memory of that agony came flooding back to him, and he doubled over in pain.

"Aaaaarrrgh! What happened here?! Why am I seeing this?!" He fell to the floor, his eyes shut tight in agony. "This needs to stop! Please make it stop!" But, when he took a whiff of the familiar scents once more, his pain subsided and the apparitions were now gone. He looked in confusion. "What in the name of Grund happened here?" He took another moment to look at his throne room, now polluted by those vague and ancient memories of anguish, before finally continuing his search.

He followed his nose to a hallway, his Vampire eyes piercing the darkness and showing him the many doors which outlined the corridor. Instead of looking through the many doorways one at a time, Gunmor's nose guided him to the door farthest from him on the right side of the hall. He gave a hearty smile of anticipation. _Finally! We're getting somewhere!_ he thought and, wasting no time, he punched the door off its hinges. Much to his surprise (and, also, kind of humorously), the door traveled only a short distance before bouncing painfully off of some anonymous slab of person, who yelped pitifully at the impact. Gunmor smiled with satisfaction, and called out to this anonymous voice. "Hello?! Is someone there?!" shouted Gunmor.

"Um…No! Most certainly not!" said a deep, masculine voice, with a guttural Transylsvasmian accent even more pronounced than Gunmor's. "There is nobody here! Go on about your business!"

Gunmor raised an eyebrow at the nonsensical answer. "Um…Yes. I can definitely hear you," he answered. He sniffed the air, and gagged at the now almost overpowering scent of the butt and onions. " _Phew!_ and smell you, too."

"Hey! I do not smell!" The figure protested. "Erm…I mean nobody's home! Be on your way, now!"

"Vlad! You idiot! It's Gunmor!" said another voice, this one a female, also with an accent.

"Vlad?" Asked Gunmor in surprise.

"Gunmor? No. It couldn't be. He died, remember?" said Vlad.

"Well, he's standing right next us, see?" the female voice said.

There was moment of pause before Vlad spoke again. "It…it can't be. It is Gunmor!"

Finally, the pair showed themselves, revealing, to Gunmor's great relief, two of his most trusted former subjects. Vlad was a hunched-over figure in a dour, black suit and high-collared cape. His hair was short and slick back, his eyes comically large and bulging, and his nose long and crooked. The woman was incredibly beautiful, with a curvaceous figure in a long, black skirt with high-heeled, elven shoes. An expertly-woven crown of roses adorned her head, and she wore a string of rare red pearls on her wrists, a watch around her neck, and a lovely white corset that showed off her amazing… "lady tades" (Hur hur. Euphemisms). But, of course, Gunmor did not need to see her to know her. He had known, from the first whiff of roses and dryer lint, who he was tracking.

"Mina! Vlad!" Gunmor shouted happily, flying to them and giving them a great big hug. "You're alive!"

"Y-y-yes!" Mina said, breathily, the force of the hug constricting her. "It is…good to see you, too…Gunmor!"

"Y-yes!" Vlad said, equally crushed by his kings immense strength. "We are…very glad…that you are unharmed! Now…Can you let us go?! You're… cracking my spine!"

"Oh!" Gunmor exclaimed. "Sorry! I've forgotten how strong I was!" He let the two catch their breath before embracing them again (this time with a concerted effort to avoid crushing anyone's spine).

"Vlad!" He said, happily! "Good ol' buddy! How are you? Still rocking the retro-look, I see?"

Vlad rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Um…Well, yes. You know me. I like the classics. It makes me look scary. Hehehe." He wiggled his fingers and gave a halfhearted "bleggh" sound before chuckling in a desperate effort to cover his own lifelong fear of absolutely everything (including eggs).

Gunmor, well aware of Vlad's historically high levels of unscariness, coughed weakly. "Um…yes. Good on you." He then turned his eye to Mina, giving her a charming smile and looking her up and down with quintessential creepiness. "Hello, Mina. You're looking as beautiful as I remember." He gave a wink.

Mina gave a weak smile. "Hello, Gunmor. Yes. I try to look my best, even in…less than desirable times."

"Yes, I can see that." Gunmor placed a hand on her back and another on her chin. "I've bet you've been feeling pretty lonely without me, hmm?" Vlad grunted in protest, but, was too scared to say or do anything about it.

"Ugh!" Mina protested. "Gunmor, please! You just got back here, and…" She gave a sniff. " _Phe_ _w_! And you smell like moldy bread."

"What?" Gunmor questioned. He then looked down at his custom-made outfit from a few hours ago, noticing that it was becoming soggy and smelly. "Ick!" he sputtered as his body wiggled with a pungent case of the willies. "Oh yeah. Um…about that. Can you remind me where I keep my kingly clothes?"

Mina pointed out the door. "First door on the left." Gunmor gave a nod and took off like a bolt of lightning with a stalwart adherence to the principles of imperialism.

Vlad folded his arms in disgust. "That's Gunmor, alright. Always making passes at you when he knows you don't like it." Vlad sniffed his pits. "And I don't smell!"

Mina turned to him with a frown. "Vlad! First off; yes. You do kind of smell." Vlad blushed then held his head down. "Second. Aren't you the least bit curious about how Gunmor is still alive?"

Vlad pondered that for moment. "Yes. It is very strange. But, I'm not sure what to make of it." What he meant, of course, was _I don't really know if I like it_ , but he didn't dare say it anywhere near Gunmor himself.

"Neither do I" replied Mina, unconfidently. "But, he is our king and our friend. So, let's just be happy that there's still another Vampire in the world right now, ok?"

Vlad took a moment to think over, but he eventually gave a smile, always finding comfort in Mina's reassurances. "Ok. I'll be happy." He was, of course, not especially happy _**(Can you say "love triangle" in the near future?**_ ), but he was content to try.

As they finished, they saw Gunmor re-enter the room, and the two straightened themselves up and gave their best smiles.

"I'm back! How do I look?" Gunmor was gaudily riveted into his classic, overly bulky suit of armor, accentuating his unnecessarily manly poses. A cape made of live Bats hung from his shoulders in incredibly synergy (though one could, occasionally, hear one or two of the Bats sigh heavily in either existential dread or just thorough lack of appreciation for Gunmor's masculinity). "I forgot how amazing this outfit feels on me." After a solid minute of manly muscle-stuffery, he turned to speak to his compatriots in earnest. "Now, please tell me, my friends. What has happened, in my absence?"

Both Vlad and Mina looked very distraught at the question. Neither really wanted to answer, as it was painful for both of them. But, after a moment of silence, Mina decided to speak up, as she was much better with her words than Vlad was.

"Well," Mina started. "It's a very long story. You see...you...you've actually been gone for almost five hundred years."

"What?" Gunmor said in disbelief. He had a feeling it had been a long time, but, not that long. "Really?"

"Yes. Give or take a few years." Mina checked the clock hung around her neck. Actually, to be precise, he had been gone for four hundred and ninety-four years, three months, twenty days, two hours, forty-three minutes and twenty two seconds, but Vampires are notoriously unimpressed by the technicalities of things like time, physics, and meat-based mousses. So, she just kept it to herself.

Gunmor mulled this fact over in his head, still not believing that so much time had passed. But, he would attend to that in due time. "What about other the Vampires? Did any of them make it? Why is Transylsvasmia a smoking ruin?" He vaguely remembered a battle, but he could not exactly remember the details, and knew, with hazy assurance, that this was due to his being largely absent from whatever had occurred. He remembered being in Castlesvasmia when the "enemy" attacked, and remembered, briefly but fully, that agonizing pain in his chest.

Mina looked very saddened by this question, and she hung her head in despair. "I'm…I'm sorry, Gunmor. All the Vampires in Transyslvasmia are…dead. They were destroyed in the war against the Knights of Nordsgath. We're all that's left." She started tearing up. Vlad put a smelly, knowing arm around her shoulder in solidarity.

So, that was it. Gunmor was really was one of the last Vampires in existence. He hung his head in sorrow and stood there for a few moments, soaking in the horrible truth. Somehow, he had failed his people and there was nothing he could do to fix it, even if he _could_ remember what he had done. But soon, his sadness was replaced with a burning anger and confusion and a new thought arose. How had anyone taken on Transylsvasmia, a nation of the most powerful creatures in the land, and won?

"How is this possible?" he demanded. "How could anyone have bested us? Who could have had the stones to attack Transylsvasmia?!" Vlad and Mina were too saddened and embarrassed by the past events and both were too afraid to answer. Disgusted, he turned away from them as a new thought occurred to him. _The Blue Wizard shields_. "And how did they manage to get past the Wizard Shields?!" he railed, his beard beginning to twitch into life as his anger grew. "They were impenetrable!" His eyes appeared to be on fire at this point.

"I-I don't know!" Vlad blurted out in fear. "I-I-I went into hiding, when everything went south!"

"What?! You hid?!" Gunmor shouted, turning his attention to Vlad. "Why would you hide when your people were in danger?! When your _king_ was in danger! I thought you were loyal to me, Vlad! I thought you had a spine!" Gunmor was looming over Vlad now, growing in size. Simultaneously, Vlad was shrinking in size, until he was nothing more than a Bat.

"I don't know! I'm sorry! Fear got the better of me!" Vlad flew behind Mina, as he was sure that she would come up with a way to calm Gunmor down. However, Mina was just as afraid as Vlad was, and she was still trying to come up with a way to explain exactly what happened. Gunmor did not cease his terrifying form and still he billowed with rage.

"And what about you, Mina?!" Gunmor shouted. "Did you _also_ hide as your people and your king were slaughtered!?

"No, my lord!" Mina shouted, genuinely hurt by the accusation. "I was out fighting with the others! I fought with all I had, but the knights were too skilled and too numerous!" But, Gunmor was hardly satisfied with Mina's sincerity and still he grew in size and rage, appearing now as a grotesque man/bat hybrid. Mina was scared, and her mind was clouded by five centuries of isolation and regret. But she stood her ground, trying to remember what, exactly, had , it hit her. _Marceline_. She had arrived back in Transylsvasmia not long before the attack, and Mina saw her enter Castlesvasmia. "It was Marceline, my lord!" she shouted, halting Gunmor's transformation. Mina continued "She betrayed us! She gave the Nordsgathians an Orange Wizard pendant to get through the shields and destroy us! She must have!"

"Marceline?" At the sound of her name, the pain in Gunmor's chest came back, worse than ever, like a thousand daggers stabbing across his entire body, and he doubled over in agony.

"Gunmor!" Mina shouted. She flew to his side, too afraid to touch him, but looking in concern. "Are you alright!" Vlad remained behind her, too afraid of what would happen next.

"Aaargh! The pain! But…Marceline…why?!" As he clenched his eyes shut, his memories started slipping back to that night that Marceline had stabbed him right in the heart and he remembered the dumb idiot smirk on the dumb idiot face of the man who had replaced him in Marceline's heart. "Richard the Handsome," they called him (though Gunmor knew him better as "Richard the Dumb Idiot who is, Admittedly, Kinda Handsome, I Guess"). Gunmor could now see clearly the memory of treachery, and his pain exploded into full-blown rage. He rose from the ground, teeth sharp and eyes ablaze. All he felt now was utter hatred for Marceline, his ex-wife, his former queen, his dearly beloved and the thought of her alongside his arch nemesis: The Great Dumb Idiot, leader of the Nordsgathian Vampire hunters.

"Marceline!" Gunmor said, furiously. "She betrayed us! She betrayed me! She fell in love with that boob of a man, Richard, and they worked together to kill me! To kill all of us! Just so she could get back at me for _one_ little argument!" Mina looked in confusion, not knowing exactly what he was talking about, but was too afraid to say anything. Vlad peaked his little bat head from behind her, equally as curious and afraid of his king. Gunmor clenched his fists, raised them in the air, and began to shout even louder. "I swear to Grund that, when I get my hands on them, I will rip their hearts from their chest and chew them up!" He finally turned back his cohorts, which made Vlad go back to his hiding place. "Where are they?! I'm going to kill them myself!" Mina was stunned with fear for a moment, but, she knew she could not lie to her lord.

"Richard is dead, my lord," Mina said, quietly.

"What? Dead?" he asked.

"Yes, my lord. He died over a four hundred years ago, and his order and kingdom, as far as I know, disbanded not too long after."

Gunmor began to grumble to himself, embarrassed. _Of course_ Richard must be dead. He was merely a Nordsgathian, after all, and time was never kind to their ilk "Dangsk! I wanted to have my revenge on him!" He shouted some more, kicking and punching the air, before taking several deep, contemplative breaths. "What about Marceline? Is she still alive?"

Again, the details of everything after that night were hazy, for Mina. But, even after Transyslvasmia's defeat, she had had to continue to be resourceful and keep her ear to the ground. Though she would not freely admit it, she had formulated her own plots to take revenge on the former queen, but her opportunity had never arisen. In time, she recalled, she had last track of Marceline after the traitor had left the protection of Nordsgath and into the strange, distant lands of candy and foolishness beyond the boundaries of Bulgeria.

"I cannot say, for certain, my lord," Mina answered him. "But, if she is, I suggest that we begin our search for her in the land of Ooo."

Gunmor raised his eyebrow at the stupid sounding name as it dragged forth more memories from his past. "Ooo?" he asked, puzzled by the strange name. And then, it hit him. "Oh!That's right! That colorful land I sent her to get a couple of creatures for my death traps? Yes! That was its name! Oh, what a doofy idea THAT is!" He smiled, evilly, and pumped his fist in excitement. "Let's go kill her now!

Mina looked at him in surprised. "Now? Like… right now?"

Gunmor nodded, excitedly. "Of course! Why not? With the Nordsgathians out of the way, we can finally make our march into Ooo, conquer its people for new slave labor and STAKE Marceline right in her filthy heart! How hard could it be?"

"Well, my lord," she fumbled, "it's just that Marceline is, you know, the daughter of a Demon lord, and is, therefore, much more powerful than all three of us combined."

Of course, Mina was right. Marceline's Demon blood gave her much more power than any Vampire he had ever seen before, including himself. Not to mention, she had the temperament of a small child (or, more specifically, a small, demonic, angry, emotionally unstable, and angst-ridden teenage child). Had he not used his powers of seduction to calm her down, she may have easily killed him long ago (or, more specifically, longer ago than she actually _had_ killed him). Gunmor's hatred still burned, but he was slowly coming to terms with how it blinded him to all manner of strategy and deliberation.

Vlad finally came out of his hiding spot, returning to his normal form. "And also, my lord," he said, nervously. "There are only three of us and the entire land of Ooo is covered in kingdoms! What if they're full of citizens who are willing to defend their country!? What if they already know about our whereabouts!? What if they plan on coming down here, now!? He gasped in fear. What if they have a taste for Vampire meat!?" He began shrinking a little again at the thought.

Gunmor looked at Vlad with disbelief and disgust. "If they have a taste for Vampire meat, Vlad, I suspect they would prefer the meat of the _spine._ " Vlad began to hang his head down in shame and embarrassment. "But, I supposed you still have a point," Gunmor sighed. "We have no choice but to assume that everyone we come across could be an enemy, and we don't know much about that enemy."

"No! But, I do, best buddy!" Said an all too familiar and dreadful voice.

The three gasped. Vlad immediately jumped behind Mina, once more, while she and Gunmor turned to see the horror that was _Cinnamon Bun_. He was still smiling his dumb smile, unafraid of the three Vampires floating in front of him. Gunmor backed away, slowly. "How…how did you get here?!" Gunmor questioned. "Why are you still following me?!"

"Ha ha ha ha! I followed the trail of our friendship!" He began to lick the cinnamon trail he followed off his lips. "And cuz' you're my best friend!" He jumped on to Gunmor, giving him a big hug. Repulsed, Gunmor tried desperately to pry the disgusting lump of saccharine garbage away from him, but the creature was deceptively strong. It took him time to pry the thing off and fling him to the ground.

Mina chuckled, confused, but entertained. "A friend of yours, Gunmor?" She asked.

Gunmor turned to her in frustration. "No! He is not! I mean… he brought me back from the dead! I think. Whatever! We have no other affiliation beyond that. I just…" He paused to stare at Cinnamon Bun's disgusting visage, constantly dripping with awful old dough and sugary syrup. "I hate him so much."

"Ha ha ha ha ha! You always play hard to get, best buddy!" Cinnamon Bun said, still lying on his back from the struggle before.

Gunmor's face shifted into its monstrous form out of anger. "Shut your pie hole!" Gunmor shouted.

"Hey! That's offensive!" Cinnamon Bun said in resentment. "I'm only half pie! Huh huh huh! Or, at least my dad said I was!" Cinnamon Bun pensively stroked the lumpy flab that passed for his chin. "Hmm. Do I even have a dad?

"I don't care!" Gunmor shouted. "I'm going to kill you, right now!" Gunmor turned his hand into a giant set of claws, and begun to bring them down. However, Mina put a hand to his shoulder to stop him.

"Wait, my lord!" she exclaimed. "He said he knows something about Ooo!"

Gunmor froze in place, angered at the fact that she was, actually, correct about the filthy beast. He rose his hands in defeat. "Ugh! Fine!" Gunmor turned back to Cinnamon Bun. "What was it you wanted to tell us, sugar creature?"

Cinnamon Bun doubled over laughing at the new title his best friend had declared for him. He assumed his friend must have forgotten a great deal in his absence. "My name's Cinnamon Bun!" he corrected.

Gunmor was beginning to lose his patience, but he kept cool. "Fine. Whatever. Tell us your thing." Gunmor demanded.

Cinnamon thought for a moment. "Uuuuh…Oh yeah! You can't go taking over Ooo!" He said, happily.

"Yes, I know, fool," Gunmor huffed. "Kingdoms and warriors and there are only three of us."

"No! Not just that! It's cuz if you just go in there like a big jerk, Finn and Jake are gonna beat the snot out of ya!"

Gunmor raised his hands and gasped mockingly. "Oh no. What will I do, now? If I try to take over Ooo, I'll have to face the wrath of _Finn_ and _Jake_. I'm so terrified." Gunmor laughed, with Cinnamon Bun laughing with him, for no reason. Then, of course, it occurred to him that he had no idea what Cinnamon Bun was talking about. "Uh…who are Finn and Jake?"

Cinnamon Bun was still laughing in idiotic glee, having not yet caught up to Gunmor's point in the conversation. The Vampire trio awkwardly stared at him, waiting for him to stop. "That is pretty funny!" he cackled. Sighing away tears of laughter, he stood there smiling silently for far too long, and then continued. "Naw, but seriously. Finn and Jake are like the greatest heroes in all of Ooo!" He pretended to hold a sword, jabbing it in Gunmor and Mina's direction. "Finn is a Human who's good with swords, and likes stabbin' things! Especially evil things!"

Gunmor widen his eyes in disbelief. "Really? A Human? I thought they all died out, centuries ago." He mulled over that little fact, but quickly dismissed it. "Whatever. They're pretty weak, little creatures."

"Yeah, but then there's Jake, who's a Dog! And he's all stretchy and stuff!" Cinnamon wiggled his arms in demonstration.

Gunmor rubbed his eyes in impatience. "Again, why should I be afraid?" Gunmor began to suspect that the creature was stalling for some reason.

"Uuuuuh…Oh yeah! And they're both friends with Marceline!" Cinnamon Bun finished.

At this, Gunmor's ears pricked up visibly. "Really now?" Gunmor asked. He leaned into Cinnamon Bun, wanting to hear more. "Go on."

"Uuuuuh…Yeah!" Cinnamon Bun continued. "So, if you were to, ya know, hurt 'em real good, she might get really mad!" He paused to think it over. "But I dunno if you could hurt 'em. I saw Finn do like a bunch of push-ups, one time. And Jake drinks like… a _lot_ of coffee. _That's_ tough. I hate coffee. It tastes like butt."

Gunmor hastily interrupted. "Cinnamon Bun! Stay with me… uh… buddy." He mulled the idea over in his head "Tell me, Cinnamon Bun," he continued, "What if we didn't _fight_ the Human and the dog? What if we _captured_ them, instead? Then Marceline wouldn't be so mad, if she knew her… uh… friends weren't hurt too badly. Right?"

"Uuuuuh! No! Those guys are way too smart to get kidnapped! They'll see you comin'…Uuuuh…" Cinnamon Bun looked at his hands, and stretched them out to emphasize his point, "This far away!"

Gunmor wasn't sure how much he could trust Cinnamon Bun, but, he seemed to know enough about Marceline, so he was willing to listen. He began to ponder what he could possibly do to get an advantage over his enemies. If this Human and Dog were, indeed, as powerful as Cinnamon Bun said they were and, if they actually knew Marceline, then the odds were ever against them. He would need to both defeat the Human and the Dog, but would also need to ensure that they were left in good enough shape to give him time to regain his influence over Marceline. He couldn't risk inciting her rage. He mulled over his ideas, rubbed his temples deliberately, and snapped his fingers as a strategy broke through his death-addled subconscious.

"Vlad!" he demanded, pointing at his subject (and causing him to whimper briefly like a small, stupid baby). "The Blue Wizard pendants! Are there any left over from the war with Nordsgath?"

Vlad composed himself and pondered the question "Now that you mention it, my lord, the emergency stash might still be in the cellar, assuming the Nordsgathians didn't break the seal of invisibility surrounding it."

"Retrieve them at once and prepare them to fortify the walls of the castle!" Gunmor commanded. "And be quick about it!"

Vlad bowed his head, hoping to appease him. "Y-yes, milord!" and he was on his way out the room.

The plan was coming together, and Gunmor rubbed his hands together in sly satisfaction. Now, it was time to set up "The Trials." He pointed to Mina. "Mina. Go into the forest and set up the overly-intricate puzzles and traps!"

Cinnamon Bun guffawed at this. "Yeah! Puzzles and traps! Finn and Jake won't be able to resist those!"

Gunmor blinked silently and attempted to regain his conversational momentum. "Um… yes…" he said. "Exactly. And then…"

"And then even if they _do_ get past the traps," Cinnamon Bun interrupted again, "They'll still get stuck at the Blue Wizard barrier and then you can capture 'em there!"

Gunmor and Mina stared blankly at the creature in perplexed agreement. "Well… yes. That," Gunmor stammered. "Mina! Get on it!"

Mina bowed her head. "Yes, milord!" And she flew off.

Of course, there was still the matter of Marceline's Orange Wizard pendant. If she still had that, it would be too easy for any and all of them to get through the traps and the barrier. Gunmor needed two final things: an army and leverage to keep the heroes playing by their rules, and he knew exactly how to get them. He floated towards Cinnamon Bun, and leaned forward to get his attention. "Now listen carefully, 'my best friend in the whole world'. I have a very important task for you."

* * *

 **Not gonna lie, this is my favorite chapter I've written thus far. It's so full of dr** **ama, humor, and personality. Anyways, peeps,** **I think we're in a good place, now, and I can't wait to get back with you guys! So long, peeps! I'll see you, as soon as possible. ;)**


	5. The Mission: Part 2

**The Mission Part 2**

Bubblegum was asleep in her bed, struggling against a series of bizarre dreams (ones which were, admittedly, inconsequential to the plot and were only good for a quick throwaway gag). In a phantasmagorical montage of nonsense, she argued sciencey jargon with an ancient squid god.

"No, Dr. Cephalopod," she grumbled, groggily. "You can't mix your moricilgleptomine in my deptathinesportosia. It may cause a glyconumerical meltdown of the enth degree…no, I didn't mean it in that way!"

 ** _(… Who writes this skullduggery?)_**

Startled by her own lack of scientific standards, Bubblegum cracked her eyes open, groggily. As she smacked her lips through a terrible case of morning breath, she took notice of the fact that an all-too-familiarly annoying shape had taken up residence in her bed.

"What the..?" she huffed. Her eyes focused and she could finally make out the details of Cinnamon Bun, and she jumped from shock. "Gah! CB!" she cried. "What are you doing in my bed?"

"Um…" Cinnamon Bun thought, rubbing his chin absent-mindedly. He knew he was supposed to do something "uncouth," but his mind, easily-scattered and half-baked as it was, had long since drifted to nonsensical matters. "I forgot."

Bubblegum sighed and stretched her arms. "Look, I appreciate how confusing your life must be, buddy, I really do," she groaned, "But, don't you think you could save these little moments for _after_ I've had a chance to get dressed?"

Cinnamon Bun laughed in typical abject stupidity. "Nah!"

Bubblegum rubbed her eyes in silent acquiescence. "Right… Should have guessed." As she prepared to start the day in Cinnamon Bun-mode, she noticed for the first time that he had been holding his hands behind his back, clearly hiding something.

"I'm sure I'll regret asking this," she started, "But, do you mind telling me what you're hiding back there?"

"Uuuuh…" Cinnamon Bun pondered. Then it hit him (and, eventually, _her_ as well). "Oh yeah!" he shouted proudly before revealing a large mallet and bonking Bubblegum on the head.

* * *

 ** _(Another especially lazy flashforward later)_**

(Gimme a break, would ya? I'm tired and consumed with existential dread)

 ** _(Well, isn't that just a classic excuse? You could just admit that you're a lazy, good-for-nothing has-been with nothing but half-baked ideas and smoking sticks driving your writing!)_**

(Look, my editor is also really bad at meeting deadlines, and he's supposed to be the one writing all of these interesting time progression scenes)

 ** _(Well, yes. I suppose that's true. I think maybe it was a mistake hiring you and your uncreative team of inner city miscreants to write the greatest story ever told. What am I paying you for, anyways?)_**

(For the realization of your upsetting fantasies about children in a children's cartoon. And also, you aren't paying me anything)

 ** _(I should say not! You couldn't get a scene transition right if it was spelled out for you by sexy women who smell like pasta!)_**

(While that is valid…and creepy… I never expected that anyone would be terribly concerned about the daily dealings of Cinnamon Bun. You see that one episode where he was, like, a super, awesome cool guy riding a flying fire-wolf? It's just weird, man)

 ** _(Yes, well… Point taken)_**

Cinnamon Bun stood proudly and absent-mindedly atop a peculiarly large box in the middle of town, surrounded by an enormous stockpile of snacks and brandishing a hastily-painted sign reading "FreeE Kandeey." In consideration of even more reasons he was perpetually only slightly aware of, he offered his fellow Candy Kingdom residents as many uncomfortably-familiar snacks as they could eat.

"Extry! Extry!" Cinnamon Bun shouted. "I got snacks! Lotsa lotsa snacks!"

"Oh boy!" a Marshmallow Kid shouted. "I'm so hungry I could eat an octo-gummy!"

"Yeah?" a cockeyed, pirated-sounding Gummy Octopus snapped at him, crawling out from behind a greasy barrel. "Well, _I'm_ so hungry, I could eat a bag o' marshmallers!"

"That's just weird, Jerry," the Marshmallow Kid answered. "You got serious problems, Jerry. And, also, where did you come from, Jerry?"

Totally unconcerned by the frankly unrealistic amount of treats Cinammon Bun was offering (and the ongoing peculiarities of living alongside Jerry and Marshmallow Kid), a crowd had soon gathered around to partake of the dough boy's wares. Happily joining in the excitement, Starchy made his way to the front of the crowd to get what he was fairly sure was a well-deserved snack after a hard day of napping.

"Say, there, Buddy Ceebs!" he chimed in cheerfully. "That's mighty alright of ya! How much do I owe ya?"

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh…" Cinnamon Bun droned, flipping his sign over and upside down and gazing intently at it for an answer. "That'll be, uh… 'fffffreeeeeee' gold coins?"

"What's that, ya say?" Starchy asked through a bite of his snack. "Three gold coins?"

"Uh… no…" Cinnamon Bun answered, looking at his sign again. "I think it says 'faaaareeeee,' or something."

"Oh," Starchy mused, before getting the idea. "Oh! Free, ya say! Well, gee dang it, if that ain't the peachiest deal since that time I got into a knife fight with those peach ring nuns! And just a downright bizarre occurrence, to boot! Thank ya kindly, good buddy!" As he trotted off, Cinnamon resumed his very proud stance, content in the idea that he had accomplished something.

"Heh heh," he chuckled. "I can't read."

As the Candy People continued to munch on their assortments of sugary treats, another peculiarity inherent to the situation occurred to Mr. Cupcake, who cheerfully offered his two cents. "I say, ol' sport," he began. "How did you manage to lay hold of all of these decadent delicacies?"

"I-uh-uh," CB stammered. "I got it from the royal stash! Uh… Princess Bubblegum said I could."

"That's funny," a nearby Banana Guard chimed in through a mouthful of banana-flavored taffy. "Pribubble G never mentioned a massive outgoing shipment from the royal stash." He rubbed his chin. "Speaking of which, where _is_ the princess? She didn't show up for report, this morning."

"Uh…uh…" CB stammered. "She's… uh… having a… crab… party…" He began to sweat mushy icing as the Banana Guards cocked their heads in the sort of confusion one exhibits when confronted with the intricacies of rocket science.

Little did anyone (Cinnamon Bun among them, more or less) know that Princess Bubblegum and her majordomo, Peppermint Butler, were actually inside the box CB was sitting on, gagged by cloth and bound by rope. CB, subconsciously, knew that these two were the only two members of the Candy Kingdom who could potentially ruin Gunmor's plan for world-domination if they were to escape, and thus in the box under CB's butt they were thrown (…Ew…). Hearing the Candy People outside, they did their best to make noise and shake the box to alert them to their presence. Cinammon Bun knew that this was (probably) a bad thing, and, in a panic, he slammed his buttocks onto the box. Everyone around him stared at him in complete silence at this increasingly bizarre behavior (well, even more bizarre than his usual bizarre behavior).

"Uh…" he droned, "who wants more snacks?!"

"Ooo! I do! I do!" the Banana Guards cheered.

And, just like that (as pretty much anyone might expect), the issue was forgotten entirely, and the Candy People continued their revelry. As they finished their snacks, Cinnamon Bun stood again and clapped his hands to get everyone's attention.

"Alright, everybody!" he shouted cheerfully. "Now's the part where you guys all shut up for a sec!" And at that, the Candy People were silenced (though many harrumphed at his rudeness). Even so, CB pressed on. "Now I want all of us to hold hands!"

They all just stared at him. "Um...why?" one person asked.

"Because…uh…" CB stammered. "Because we're good friends! And…I want us to sing a song about how good of friends we are!"

The crowd was silent for a while (except one guy who coughed to break up the monotony, for a sec).

"Yeah, okay…" someone chimed in from the back. "I mean… I guess that's a thing we could do."

"Alright, guys!" CB shouted. "Quit making this so weird for me! Just hold each other's hand and let's start singing!"

"What song are we singing?" someone else asked.

"Aw, man, just make something up!" CB shouted impatiently.

They all looked at each other, shrugged, and did as he said. The results were as dubious as one might expect as the crowd cacophonously broke out into a series of odd songs. Eventually, a few songs took over the group as teams developed to compete with one another over who had the best song:

 _We're the very best of friends_

 _No one even knows_

 _How great we are._

 _We're the very best of friends,_

 _As righteous as a shooting star_

 _And our friendship is pretty great_

 _Greater than eleven grapes_

 _You don't even get it, dude_

 _So please go away,_

 _Because you're rude._

 _Who's that creeping up to_

 _My best buddy's window?_

 _I'm gonna have to kick him_

 _With my elbow._

 _That's what I do to jerks_

 _Who mess with my best friends:_

 _I make sure they feel an agony that never ends_

 _Please get me out of this fanfiction_

 _I don't even know what I'm saying_

 _I am taking orders_

 _To go get takeout_

 _From that sweet noodle place_

 _Down the road._

 _What would you guys like?_

 _No, Dennis,_

 _I'm not going to make an extra run to go get tacos._

 _We collectively agreed on noodles and that's what you're going to get and if you don't like it, maybe you aren't even a good friend at all_

As everyone sang, an orange pendant fell out of Cinnamon Bun's chest, and he chanted something into it as fast as he could under the din of horrible music. In a literal flash, they were all transported (including the box that Cinnamon Bun sat on) to the middle of Darclua's town square, where Gunmor, Vlad and Mina were waiting for them. They all chattered in confusion.

"Mina! Now!" Gunmor shouted. At his command, Mina pressed a button on a remote control to pull out a giant TV screen in townsquare, showing the faces of the three Vampires. "Now, comrades, get ready!" the three Vampires wiggled their fingers and their eyes became vortices, chanting in tandem;

 _Look into my eyes and you will clearly see_

 _That the only meaning of your pitiful life is to serve me!_

Bubblegum and Peppermint Butler gasped in fear, knowing full well that this was a Vampire spell. With haste, Bubblegum pulled a hairpin from her pajama pocket, and began sawing her restraints off.

But, it was too late. All of the Candy People's eyes turned into vortices themselves, their expressions becoming blank and zombie-like. "Yes, master. We will do as you command."

Gunmor chuckled evilly to himself before turning his attention to Cinnamon Bun, happily. "Good work, best buddy!"

"Hahahahaha!" Cinnamon Bun leapt in joy right off the box. "Thanks, best buddy!" Cinnamon Bun replied. "Now…uh…can I have that _thing_ you promised?"

"What thing?" Gunmor questioned. Then, after a brief moment of thought, he snapped his fingers in remembrance. "Oh yes! He tossed a moray eel to CB. "Here ya go, sport! Enjoy yourself!"

"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Then CB began slamming the fish on the ground, laughing like an  
idiot.

Then, with all her might, Bubblegum kicked her way out of the box. "Cease and desist!"

"Huh?" Gunmor took notice of the candy princess, annoyed by the intrusion. "What's all this, then?"

Bubblegum gasped in horror as she saw her people shambling around like zombies, mindlessly bumping into each other, with some even gnawing on each other's arms (an unfortunate sight she knew all too well, what with her many zombie-related escapades). Then she looked straight at Gunmor with a knowing and hateful glance. "You! You're the cause of all this!"

"Who the heck are you?" Gunmor asked, slightly annoyed. "And what are you doing in that box?"

"Oh, that's just Princess Bubblegum!" Cinnamon Bun said plainly. "She's the one who imprisoned you in that bench back at the creepy forest!"

"Really, now? Gunmor asked with a devilish grin. He turned to Bubblegum. "Is this true?"

"Heck yeah, it's true!" She shouted. "I've heard all about you and I wasn't about to let you takeover Ooo!" PB turned her attention to Cinnamon Bun. "CB! Why? Why did you help this monster escape?!"

"Uh..." Cinnamon Bun said, innocently. "'Cuz he's my best friend. And…well…you're kind of bossy."

Bubblegum boiled with anger. "Why do you always have to make things worse for us?! You think I left all those signs out there and built that creepy forest for you for poots and giggles?! I was trying to keep you from summoning one of the most evil monsters ever to walk the earth!"

"Oh, it's only going to get worse, sweetheart," Gunmor said, sadistically. "For you!" He dashed towards Bubblegum, grabbing her tightly by the throat and lifting her into the air with one arm, making her gasp for breath as she struggled in vain to escape his grasp. Gunmor once again turned his eyes into vortices;

 _Look into my eyes and you will clearly see_

 _That the only meaning of your pitiful life is to serve me!_

There was little reaction from Bubblegum beyond her asphyxiation, only a sour, contemptuous frown. "What?" Gunmor questioned. "Why didn't that..." Then, Bubblegum head-butted him, loosening his grip on her before she kicked him in the "boin loins." Mina and Vlad gasped in fear, the former rushing to his side while the former cowered on the sidelines.

"I'm…not so…easily, Gunmor," Bubblegum said, panting as she massaged her throat. She put herself in a battle ready position, gesturing for him to come at her, bro.

"Huhuhuh," Cinnamon Bun chuckled. "Sorry, best buddy! I guess I forgot to mention that Bubblegum is immune to mind control!"

"Yes!" Gunmor said, irritably, his voice having gone up an octave. "I can see that, Lieutenant Self-Evident!" Angered by this turn of events, Gunmor eyed Bubblegum with hatred. "Get her, you...!" Gunmor started, before clearing his throat to restore his voice to its former glory. "Get her, you saccharine-zombie fools!"

Bubblegum only had a second to react, and she couldn't really think about appealing to her people's better judgement. Luckily for her, having dated a Vampire in the past, Bubblegum had a fair amount of knowledge to know that her people were under some kind of vampiric hypnosis. And the only way to stop it was to kill the Vampires in question. So, she scanned the battlefield, looking for a perfect stabbing implement. _Come on, PB, focus! Our life and our people's lives depend on it!_ Finally, she took notice a Banana Guard wielding a spear. _Superlative!_ So, she decided to go for the Banana Guard and, using her excellent fighting skills, she managed to take down some of her people, none-fatally, using jiu-jitsu slams and swift punches and kicks to take each person out with speed and precision, easily dodging each of their lunges with quick evasions and jumps.

Eventually, she made it to the Banana Guard and wrestled him for his spear, the two spinning around in multiple circles. _Come…on…let…it…go!_ The Banana Guard proved too strong for a prolonged struggle, so Bubblegum decided to go for the direct approach "KARATE CHOP!" she shouted as she struck the Guard in his melon (or rather that black, stemmy thing on a banana peel that roughly equates to a melon...no puns intended, of course), causing him to fall unconscious. She took his spear, using a spin attack to knock back the candy people attempting to surround her. Immediately after, she returned her focus to the Vampire King. With only a split second window of opportunity to focus her attack on the Vampire King, she ran as fast as she could towards him, spear extended, shouting to keep her fears at bay.

While the scary, screaming pink lady caused Vlad to jump to the side and duck for cover, Mina decided to step in and, before Bubblegum could turn Gunmor into an undead shish-kebab, blocked the strike with her bare claws and hissed at the Candy princess with a now more monstrous looking face. Bubblegum gasped at the vampire's speed and only had a split second to jump out of the way of Mina's other hand with a backflip. Bubblegum span around in an attempt to take Mina with a surprise chest strike, but the latter simply caught the spear tip in one of her high heels, stomp it on the ground and broke it off. Mina kicked the princess with her other foot, sending her rolling in the sand, making her lose her weapon. Bubblegum, battered and bruised, took deep breaths to fight through the pain and jumped back on her feet, putting herself back into a battle-ready stance. As Mina flew at her, claws extended, Bubblegum waited patiently to find an opening. Then, as if her brilliant mind got the perfect scan, Bubblegum grabbed the Vampire's wrist and used the latter's momentum to throw her over her shoulder, sending Mina crashing into some of the Candy People. Bubblegum gasped at her gaffe. "Oh no! My peeps!" Mina angrily charged at her with fury, Bubblegum narrowly ducking with a nicked shoulder in the process. Bubblegum dodged the rest of her attacks, looking for another opening and making sure the Vampire stayed in her line of sight and away from her people. If she tried taking the Vampire without a weapon, she would be dead. She then scanned the area and found the tip of the spear she lost and got a new idea. As Mina went for another swipe, Bubblegum rolled to the ground and grabbed a handful of sand to throw into the Vampire's eyes. Mina recoiled in pain, giving Bubblegum a golden opportunity run for the makeshift knife to grab it and attempt to finish off Mina.

Vlad, peaking from under his cape, saw that the princess had taken the upper hand, and he gasped. "Oh no! Mina!" In a moment of genuine courage, he flew as fast as he could to her side. "I'M COMIIIIIING!" However, as he approached Bubblegum, she turned her makeshift dagger towards him, causing him to go, "Yipes!" and he flew back to Gunmor's side. However, this distraction gave Mina a golden opportunity to grab the princess, restraining her knife hand and holding her neck, tightly, in the other. She twisted Bubblegums wrist raw to make her drop the knife, then proceeded to punch her in the gut, three times, making the princess retch from the force. Seeing the princess was sufficiently dazed, she raised her claws to deliver the finishing blow.

"Mina! Stop! That's enough!" Gunmor grunted in pain, causing Mina to stop dead in her. "I want this one alive." Mina grumbled in frustration at being denied her victory, but took a second to cool down when she remembered what the plan was, then sighed as she tossed the princess to the ground. Before Bubblegum could make one final attempt to grab for the knife, Gunmor scooped her up in a telekinetic grip and brought her a little closer. He laughed, evilly. "Impressive, wench! But, did you honestly think you stood a chance against three of the…" He looked down at a sniveling Vlad, who pathetically looked back at Gunmor. The King scoffed. "I mean _two_ of the most powerful Vampires in the world. Heck, I don't even need to touch you in order to defeat you…not that I wouldn't mind it, however." Gunmor winked and chuckled. Bubblegum. "Oh, calm your sweet-buns, hun! I'm just kidding. I don't even like non-vamps. You're too soft and squishy."

"You won't get away with this!" Bubblegum shouted, ignoring his sarcastic banter. "I'll find a way to stop you!"

Gunmor gave an amused laugh. "I'd love to see you try it, Pretty-n-Pink," In sick, sadistic pleasure, he slammed her on the ground, the force strong enough to knock the wind right out of her. She moaned in pain, her eyes blinking in-and-out of focus before finally falling unconscious. Gunmor laughed. He snapped his finger in the direction of the Banana Guards. "You! The ones in the stupid-looking monocot outfits! Take the princess to the dungeon. And if she tries anything, again…" He rubbed his hands together, creating visible beams of writhing electricity and directing the streaks from his fingers into the staves of each of the Banana Guards. "Give her a 'shocking' surprise!" He laughed maniacally.

"Yes, master," a Banana Guard said.

"We shall due your bidding, master," another spoke.

"What the heck is a monocot, master?" One asked.

"Also, master," another interjected. "You should definitely work on your jokes. They leave a lot to be desired."

"Your face leaves a lot to be desired!" Gunmor shouted, angrily, bringing down of lightning to vaporize the Banana Guard who (fairly) criticized his sense of humor, leaving behind a smoldering, black smudge where he once stood. Gunmor chuckled, evilly, as Vlad and Mina looked in shock at his surprising choice to eliminate one of his minions so haphazardly, despite the plan. He blew the smoke from his index finger like a gun barrel and pointed in the direction of the castle. "Now, get to work, you dogs! Before I decided to cook you, as well!" And with that, the Guards carried off the princess's limp body to Castlesvasmia, two of them securing her arms while the rest kept a tight circle around the other two to prevent her from escaping.

Gunmor chuckled a bit. "Teach those mortals to question my sense of humor." Soon, however, Gunmor bent over from the pain in his plum package (Jeez. The things I do to keep a T-Rating),

"My lord!" Mina exclaimed, worriedly as she rushed to his side to help him back up. "Are you alright?"

Gunmor winced and breathed heavily from the agony. "Ow, ow, ow. Yeah, boy. My children are gonna be feeling that, in the morning." He looked at Mina with an embarrassed expression, and then coughed. "Um… I mean yes, of course I'm alright! Barely felt a thing!"

Mina raised an eyebrow at this obvious feigning of weakness. "In any case, my lord, we should definitely keep a close eye on her." She rubbed her eyes to get the small remaining grains of sand out of her lashes. "She's a lot stronger than she looks."

"Yes…she is," Gunmor agreed, shuttering at the fact that his dinghy was desecrated (I'm feeling really dirty, right now, guys) by such a lowly creature. "But, ultimately she is a minor inconvenience. Even if she does escape, we'll put her in her place, again. Vlad floated embarrassedly to his master's side. Gunmor derided him. "And, hopefully, some of us will do a better job of looking out for their friends when they're in danger, hmm?" Vlad gave a weak nod and a whimper. "Right then!" Gunmor pulled the other two into a huddle, causing Vlad to cringe. "So, let's review, shall we! Vlad, have you got the Blue Wizard Shields in their pedestals?"

"A-All present and accounted for, my lord," He stammered. "They shall not be able to penetrate Castlesvasmia's defenses." He grew a dourer look on his face. "That is, if they don't use any Orange-Wizard pendants."

"Don't worry about that, Vlad," Gunmor said with a confidant slap on the back, which caused a Vlad to yelp. "That's what we have the thralls for. And Mina, have you awakened all the monsters with the Red Wizard Pendants and set all the cameras and traps with the Yellow Wizard Pendants?

Mina nodded. "Everything is ready, my lord. The beasts are a little cranky after their slumber, but they should be ready to attack anyone or anything that tries to get to Transylsvasmia. The cameras are a little bit 'outdated', but they should still work well enough."

Gunmor rubbed his hands together. "Excellent! We should use bring the big screen into the Castlesvasmia and enjoy the show from there. "Vlad, help the slaves grab the equipment to the castle." Vlad nodded nervously before floating off. However, Gunmor gave a devilish smile and as soon as Vlad was right behind him, he decided to shout in his monster voice, "AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT, YOU SPINELESS WIMP!"

fell on the ground from surprise, screaming like a girl. "Y-y-yes, my lord!" And he flew off as fast as he could.

Gunmor chuckled. "I think I might have a little more fun with a more scaredy Vlad." Mina grimaced at Gunmor's bullying of Vlad, even when he was the one who helped Mina win the fight (however indirectly he might have done so). "Now, let me see; we've got the shields, the army, the cameras, the death traps. So, what else do we need….oh yes!" Gunmor turned to Cinnamon, who was still slamming the eel on the ground. "Oh best buddy!"

"Yeah, best buddy!" Cinnamon bun answered, looking at Gunmor but not ceasing his fish smacking. "You wanna a little piece of this action?!"

"Uh…maybe later," Gunmor answered, dismissively. "I just wanted to ask if you managed to leave those 'bread crumbs' for Finn and Jake to follow"

"Hahahahahaha! Sure did, best buddy!" CB answered. "They'll be all over that stuff like…uuuuuh…a koala on a porpoise carcass!"

"Nice work, buddy," Gunmor said, patting CB'S sugar wheel of a body. He then proceeded to chuckle evilly, twiddling his fingers. "And when those boobs find themselves in my web of puzzles and monstrosities, Marceline will follow their scent. And when she finds this place…" He pretended to hug her. "I will convince her that everything is just peachy keen…" He made a stabbing gesture. "Before impaling her right in her greasy black heart! Finally, I will have revenge against the traitorous heck-cat!" He made his loudest and most maniacal laugh yet, of which went on for a long time, with Cinnamon Bun eventually joining in on the fun. "Ok," Gunmor finally said. "This is getting old," He shooed Cinnamon Bun away with a gesture. "You run along and just…keep doing what you're doing, best buddy, and I am going to do what I shoulda done earlier. As Cinnamon Bun left his initial spot to leave for another spot not 10 feet away to smash the eel on the ground some more, Gunmor whistled to get the attention of Mr. Cupcake, Chocoberry and Lollipop Lass. Mr. Cupcake and Lollipop turned into a makeshift chair while Chocoberry filed his nails. "Aww, this is the life. Now, to the castle, you fools!" the candy chair moved up the path to Castlesvasmia. He turned to Mina. "Mina, why don't you sit down next to me in my new 'sweet ride' and we can cuddle up to the castle to together, hmm?" He puckered his lips and made a "finger walk" gesture across Mr. Cupcake's head.

Mina furrowed her brow at that and after eyeing the nasty, clammy glimmer of the Candy people's sugary epidermises, she said, "Thank you for the kind offering, my lord, but I think I would prefer to float."

Gunmor shrugged. "Eh, suit yourself. But you don't know what you're missing out on." He reclined his head on Lollypop Lass's face, who spat out his hair when he did so, and he closed his eyes, giving a satisfied smile.

However, little did the Vampire King know was that Peppermint Butler managed to escape from his restraints and hide behind the box he arrived in, listening to every word spoken and seeing every action unfold? "Oh dear sweet Margarine Margret III! This is far more serious than I thought!" He went back behind the box, and chanted a spell to turn himself invisible. "I have to save the princess, but in order to do so…" he rubbed a solvent on himself. "I'll have to be incognito and undetectable. I'm up against Vampires, after all!" He gave deep breath before finally saying, "Dark Arts, don't fail me now!" He tried to jump across the box, but his short legs kept him from jumping too high, and instead he slipped over the box. Gunmor turned his head, lazily, towards the box, which caused Peppermint Butler to freeze in place on the ground to avoid detection. However after barely two seconds of scanning with his eyes and ears and sniffing the air, Gunmor simply shrugged, and went back to his relaxed state. Peppermint Butler quietly stood up and tiptoed towards a building, putting his back to the wall and wiping minty sweat from his brow. "Phew. That was close." He looked up to Castlesvasmia, with renewed determination. "Don't worry, Princess. I'll save you."


	6. The Adventure Begins

**S'up, peeps! Long time no see! Sorry for the long wait. You know how it is; writer's block, self-doubt, family business, pure laziness, etc. I would tell you all about my life's story and all the struggles of being a writer, artist, and a man with autism, but honestly, I just want to start the New Year with a loud, thunderous bang and a clear, happy conscience. I was gonna finish this chapter on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, but I wasn't feeling good those days, so, now I'm posting it, today. Also, from now on, I'm not gonna promise any due dates or even approximations to when I will update. The story will get done when it gets done, and that's all there is to it. ;)**

* * *

 **Chapter Six: The Adventure Begins**

 ** _(Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice! Teehee. Sorry, peeps. I've just always wanted to say that._**

 ** _Ahem; meanwhile, at the filthy, bacteria-ridden junkyard of Ooo, Finn trains with his sensei, Rattleballs, in a typical bout of sword-swinging shenanigans, while Jake watches on with his nasty, chip-smothered face, no doubt giving himself several different diseases in the process)_** "Hiya!" Finn shouted as he slammed his sword into Rattleballs' own blade.

"Press the attack, Finn," Rattleballs monotonically instructed him as they continued clashing blades. "Break my focus. Don't give me a chance to counter."

"You got it, R-Beezy!" Finn answered back with more vigor and ferocity. He kept hacking and slashing with all his might. Despite his the dismal lose-to-win ratio of five-hundred forty-three to zero, Finn didn't really mind it so much, as training with Rattleballs was always fun for him, regardless, and it had the added bonus of keeping him at the peak of both physical and mental sharpness. But, most of all, it was the only time in Finn's life where his mind was completely free of any girl-type thoughts (Even of the sexy-vampire-lady variety). For him, it was two and a quarter hours of utter, heroic bliss. And for Finn, it seemed like his luck was only gonna get better. Finally, after suffering many defeats, Finn was able to keep up with Rattleballs' superhuman reaction speed, trading blows with the robot as if he were a robot himself (well, if he himself wasn't just one-fifth a robot, that is). Soon, Finn found himself in a dominate position, pressing down on Rattleballs sword with so much force that the robot was visibly struggling to keep his footing. _Alright Finn! This is it! Just keep hammering down on him, knock him down and you win!_ Finn kept slamming his sword down on Rattleball's blade like a blacksmith on an anvil, each hit seeming to put Rattleballs' feet deeper into the ground. _I got this! I got this! I got this! I go…_

"Go get 'em, Finn!" Jake shouted with a mouthful of chips. "Break that bucket-of-bolts into tiny pieces and sell his remains for spare parts! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!"

Finn frowned at the sound of his brother's unwanted cheers. _Oh great,_ Finn thought. _The one day Lady HAD to go visit her folks in the Prism Dimension, and Jake just HAD to have a "boy's day out."_

"N-n-not that I'm saying I hate robots, Arby!" Jake said, his demeanor quickly going from a blood-filled battle cry to a more regretful reassurance. "In fact, some of my best friends are robots! There's BMO, of course, and NEPTR, and…well, I'm pretty sure my coffee maker is secretly a robot. I mean, it seems to always no when I need a cup a Joe in the mo before I press the button to 'go.' He chuckled as his own rhyme. Ooh…and the lawnmower is definitely a robot, big time!"

"I'm…busy…Jake!" Finn snapped, still hammering away at Rattleballs. "I…told you could stay… but only if you kept quiet while I….trained!"

"What?" Jake asked, mockingly, stretching out his ear. "Sorry. Didn't quite catch that, bro. Maybe if I pour more chips in my mouth, you'll fight harder!" Jake stretched out his mouth like an anaconda, before downing the entire bag of cheesy, ranchy and greasy chips **( _I mean, seriously, man, did you really have to put that image on the page… and in a freaking junkyard, no less? Are you trying to scare away your already miniscule fanbase?)_**. "Therf bertr! Kerm on, Fern! Yer karn der ert! Kerp at erm! Kerp at erm!"

"I said shut up, Jake!" Finn's sword was slowly rising up as Rattleballs began to push him to a more even position. "Oh, Glob!"

"What's the matter, Finn?" Rattleballs said with a smile. "Can't keep your focus?" Rattleballs pushed Finn away and retaliated with his own flurry of strikes.

"Gert em, Fern!" Jake shouted. "KERM ON FERN! GER FERN! GER FERN! GERN FERN!"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Finn squeaked as he struggled to parry all of Rattleballs strikes, before inevitably being bent down on one knee from Rattleballs pushing down on him.

Jake swallowed his chips with a disgustingly loud gulp."Huh? Whats that?," He continued to mock. "Sorry, Finn, I still can't hear ya. He stretched his mouth all the way over to Finn's ear and whispered, "Maybe if _Marcy_ were here to cheer you on, maybe then you could fight at your best and actually win, huh?"

At the sound of her name, a flash of Marcy's drop-dead gorgeous visage came into Finn's mind like a flashing white light, a wave of euphoric joy and excitement striking his heart. _Yeah…what if she was here…that would be_ so…But, as Finn saw himself on the receiving end of Rattleballs' counter, his joy was soon replaced with red-hot rage, and he slapped Jake's mouth away with his robot hand, who yelped in pain. "AAAAAARGH! I ALREADY TOLD YOU JAKE,

I…DON'T… LIKE-LIKE… MARCY!" Finn angrily swung his sword madly around in a bout of

anger, a last ditch effort to finally beat Rattleballs. However, he lost his footing, his nerves and, most of all, his focus, giving Rattleballs ample oppurtunity to kick Finn onto the ground, taking his sword and scissoring the two blades to Finn's neck. Finn's anger soon turned into mopey, pouty-lipped disappointment, "Ah, man."

"five-hundred forty-four to zero," Rattleballs chuckled. He helped Finn back to his feet and handed him his sword. "I must admit, I actually thought you had me, that time."

"Hey!" Finn whined. "I so totally would have, if Jake hadn't butted in!"

"Well, serves you right for given me a fat lip," Jake rubbed his swollen mouth. He spat out a tooth onto his hand, and immediately brightened up. "Oooh! Definitely gonna get big bucks from the enamel pixies, this time!"

"Don't put the blame of failure on others, Finn," Rattleballs whirred. "It's your lack of focus that made you lose the fight. Remember rule number twenty-four?

Finn sighed, agitatedly. "Always be focused during a fight, even when the battlefield is hazy. I know, I know."

"Well, then," Rattleballs answered. "Maybe you should really put that to practice, next time."

"But, Jake…"

"And work on your cardio," Rattleballs interrupted. "You're not going to last long in a fight if you keep eating sweets."

"Aw, man," Finn said, lifting up his paunch to reveal is slight, but noticeable paunch. "I didn't think you'd actually noticed."

"Now," Rattleballs continued, pointing behind himself. "Proceed to the center most part of the junkyard. I want to see how your Whirlwind Maneuver is coming along."

Finn cringed at the question. _Oh man! I totally forgot that was a part of the lesson plan, today!_ _I was too busy hanging out with….her._ He sighed and hung his head low. "Yes, Master Arbles." He turned to Jake as he went. "Jerk."

Jake chuckled. "I love you too, bro."

As Finn went out of ear shot, Rattleballs whispered, "Thank you for helping me with the lesson plan, Jake. I think it's really taught Finn a valuable lesson in focus and humility. That, and it won me a free victory.

Jack quietly laughed. "No problem, Arby. Anything to get under his skin."

"To be honest," Rattleballs mused. "I think the boy has gotten stronger over the years I've trained him. Much stronger. I think he may be able to beat me, one day…if he can just keep his focus."

"Oh, I think I know what's keeping him outta focus," Jake answered, suggestively. "Don't worry,

I'll get what's bugging him out of his system. You can count on it."

The three dude bros went to the center most part of the junkyard, which consisted of a large, square space surrounded by cars.

"Now, Finn," Rattleballs said. "I want you to demonstrate, for us, your Whirlwind Maneuver. You have been practicing, right?"

Finn feigned a huge smile across his face. "Y-yeah, man! I've been practicing, like, 5 times a day, at least!" He gave a weak chuckle. "So, uh, hehehe, yeah."

"Hmm," Rattleballs answered, doubtfully. "Then, please demonstrate the whole procedure, step by step please. Jake, take cover inside the "Safety Box."

And within the blink of an eye, Jake was already hiding inside an old outhouse reinforced with metal sheets, with red words spray painted on the door that read, "Safety Box: Smelly, but Secure," with a peephole inside the O. Jake stepped out the door covered head-to-toe in various pieces of junk for armor, his head being protected by a football helmet lamppost. "Way ahead of ya, Arby! Good luck, Finn!" He gave Finn a thumbs up before closing the door. He sniffed the inside of the outhouse. "Hey. This place doesn't actually smell all that bad. A little bit on the moldy side, but give me a week to redecorate, and it would make for a great coffee room."

Finn shook his head at his brother's weird habits. "What's with Jake and his stink obsession?" Finn turned back to Rattleballs. "Anyways, Reese's Pieces, prepare…to have your mind blown!" Let's see: Lift sword in the air. Close your eyes." He gave a deep breath, out and in, before continuing. "Clear your mind, spin, jump in the air and and let your body do the rest!" He did so, and in only a few seconds, he caused a massive blue-and-white hurricane that blew away numerous cars and other junk across the yard. When all was done, Finn descended to the ground with a satisfied smile, surprised at his level of destruction. "Huh. I did it!" He began to laugh. "I-I actually did it!"

"Wow! Dude! That was amazing!" Jake shouted from inside the outhouse. "That was totes a categories ninety-leven!"

Finn laughed with glee. "Thanks, Jake, I thought it was…" "That was terrible," Rattleballs said, flatly.

"What?" Finn mused. "But, I did everything you said to do. Sword, close your eyes, clear mind, spin, jump all that other junk."

"No, Finn," Rattleballs interjected, surprisingly agitated. He sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you. "Ugh… Let me demonstrate, and watch closely, will you?" Rattleballs breathed in and out a long, focused breath. "Breath and clear your mind, first. Raise your sword. Jump." As he did so Rattleballs seemed to ascend right into the very clouds, making Finn's jump look like a geriatric flea, by comparison. "Spin!" He shouted as to be heard over the growing amounts of wind. "And let your momentum do the rest!" Rattleballs spun so fast that the entire world seemed to be consumed by an enormous, red tornado (please don't sue us, DC. Or you, Pendelton Ward, for that matter), with cars, trash, a house, cows, various poultry, an old woman on a chair knitting a scarf, two men rowing a boat and even a cackling, green-skinned witch made their way across the crimson, swirling sky **_(Oh yeah…definitely getting sued, now)_**.

Finn held onto a long piece of rebar lodged in the ground for dear life, his robot hand keeping him firmly secured as his normal hand made sure is awesome hat didn't leave his scalp. When his eyes weren't being bombard with dust and various other debris, he could see Rattleballs' spinning, red mass in the sky, moving so fast he appeared like a red, swirling ball. "Wow! That's...totes DISCOIDAL, man!"

As the tornado died down and the world became visible, once more, the junkyard now appeared like a dusty wasteland, with only a few cars and strewn-about scrap piles giving the slightest hint of its former self. The blast was so powerful that even the Safety Box was dismantled, with only three of the support beams, the toilet, and Jake's caboose atop that toilet still remaining. Half of Jake's armor, including his helmet, were blasted right off of him, and his eyes and mouth were widen at the utter awe of the situation. He fell right off the toilet a few seconds, later, stunned from the majesty of such a display. Finn's mouth, too, was hung agape, his clothes were torn in various places, and his hat was so devastated it could no longer remain atop his head. He popped his own jaw back in place.

"Wow…" Finn said, still completely dumbfounded. "That was…utterly elemental!" Finn started cheering and pumping his fists in the air from the awesomeness. "Woohoo! You totally wrecked this place!"

"You said it, brother!" Jake replied, equally amused by the feat, as he propped himself on the toilet. "That was completely, wild, Arby! That was a definitely a category eleventy-leven, fo sho!"

"You see, Finn," Rattleballs said, plainly. "Anyone who uses the Whirlwind Maneuver can create a simple tornado to disorient a small group of enemies or dismantle a few obstacles, but a true master has the power to decimate entire armies and landscapes within seconds. But before one can truly become of master of this technique, one must master his mind, first."

"Oh, I will, I will, Arbs!" Finn answered, excitedly, still pumping his fists in the air. "I will totes def master the Whirlwind Maneuver, and become a master, just like you!" Rattleballs cleared his throat to remind Finn of his place. "Oh, ahem. Uh, I mean..." Finn calmed himself, placed both hands together, and bowed to his sensei. "I will work on it, master. I will keep practicing until I'm ready to perform this feat."

Then, out of nowhere, Bubblegum's emergency pendants glowed and rang in Jake and Finn's pockets. Jake grabbed his first, the pink light almost blinding him. "Oh crud, Finn! The pendants are glowing hot pink! I think Princess Bubblegum might be in trouble!"

"Oh Glob!" Finn exclaimed, looking at his own pendant. "I think you're right! Sorry, R&B! We gotta scoot!" Finn almost immediately ran off in the direction of the Candy Kingdom. "We'll finish this later! I promise!"

"Alright! But, remember what we discussed, Finn!" Rattleballs called to him. "Clear your mind, sword, jump, spin, momentum!"

"Got it!" Finn called back. "Thanks Arbles!"

Rattleballs stroked his chinless metal chest, sensing something was not right. "Hmm. Strange." He pulled out the same pink pendant that Finn and Jake had from his dispenser and noticed that it didn't even glow at all. "If this was truly a dire situation, why would the princess warn Finn and Jake, but not me? Does she still not trust me? I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if that were the case." He looked back at the adventurers, who were now so far away that they looked like ants. He sighed. "I suppose if they need my help, they'll let me know." He sat in a yoga pose and began to meditate.

In only a few minutes, Finn and Jake reached the gates of the Candy Kingdom, both heavily panting, but with Finn standing up tall, hands on hips, and his face in the air, taking deep breaths, while Jake collapsed on the ground, panting frantically.

"Oh, man," Jake whined, breathily. "That was the…whew…longest run I ever went on these stubby legs. I shoulda just taken us over here in horsey mode."

"Naw, dude," Finn said, obviously tired, but still ready for some action. "This is much better for both our healths. Keeps up fit and strong." He flexed his robot arm.

"Easy… _huff_ …for you to say," Jake complained. "You train with a freaking robot every dang week. I always to do my training with…well…I guess with a smaller robot…on a couch…while eating ice-cream."

Finn smiled smugly. "Serves you right, trying to mess with me, during practice."

"Hey," Jake whined. "I was just kidding, bro. I was just tryna get you to fight at your best…" Then Jake whispered under his breath, "And get you to admit that you like-like Marcy."

"What was that?" Finn asked, intently.

"Nothing! Nothing!" Jake said, propping himself back to his feet.

"Well, whatever," Finn dismissed. "We gotta go help PB!" They walked over to the gate, but noticed that there were no guards watching it. "What the heck? Where are the Banana Guards?"

"Well, maybe Peebles told them to pull to back to the castle. "Ya know, because they got overrun?"

"Hmm, maybe," Finn mused. "But, then why are there no signs of a fight. And why haven't the Gumball Guardians woken up to fight back?"

"Huh," Jake thought. "That's a very good point. Hmm." Jake pondered the situation.

"Well, we won't find out what happened, all the way out here so…" Finn ran backwards to prepare for a massive drop kick to the gate. "Let's storm the gates!" However, as Finn kicked the door, he felt a sharp pain in his foot. "YOW!" Finn hopped around, before falling down.

"Dude," Jake said. "Did you forget that the gates are made of solid, candy steel?"

"Oh…yeah," Finn said, wincing from the pain. "I forgot." Finn rose to his feet and gave a few deep breaths to ride out the pain. "Well, then can you bust open the gate, please?"

"Gladly!" Jake exclaimed, expanding his fist to ten times its original size.

"JAKEY…PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!" And with little effort the gates opened wide.

"Thanks, dude," Finn said, simply.

"No problem, dude," Jake punched his fist into his other hand. "Now, let's go save the Princess!"

"Ah yeah!" Finn said, giving his brother knucks. "Let's save the kingdom!"

The brothers charged in, Finn holding his banana sword, while Jake held out his mallet hands. However, they both stopped in their tracks when they realized that the Candy Kingdom was perfectly intact.

"Huh," Finn mused. "No sign of a fight here, either."

"This is getting pretty spoopy, man," Jake whimpered. "I really hope this isn't some form of psychological warfare. Man, I really hate it when the enemy uses psychological warfare. It's always so…psycho, and…well…logical. I much prefer a straight up fight, ya know?

fightological warfare."

"Yeah. Me too, bro. Me too," Finn answered. His eyes darted from side to side, scanning the Candy Peoples' house doors for any sign of a threat. "Hmm. Then, I guess will just have to…" Finn dropped kick one of the doors open. "Bring the fight to them!" He held up his sword in preparation for a fight. "Come on out, you cowards!" However, there was still no answer. "Huh. Well, maybe there…" He dropped kick another house door open. "Hiding in here! Come on out so I can grant you a warrior's death!" However, there was no answer or attack there, either. "Dang it. Well, maybe they're…" Finn, again, kicked a house door down. "In this house!" Again, no answer. "Ugh! These psychological, war-faring dudes are getting on my nerves!"

As Finn kept jumping to every house to kick its door in, Jake began sniffing the air and the ground for any sign of the Candy People or their possible assailants. However, all he could smell was a slight whiff of the Candy People's scent, implying they've been gone for a while, as well as the candy buildings and street. There was no scent that was decidedly not very candy-like. Jake frowned. "Hey Finn! Quit kicking people's doors in!"

"Hiya!" Finn said, kicking another door in, before realizing what Jake said. "Oh! Hehehe! Sorry, Jake! I guess kicking down people's doors was more fun than I realized. So, what's up?"

"I don't think any of the Candy People are here, dude. It's like they completely disappeared."

"What? No way, man. They've gotta be here. You don't just evacuated an entire kingdom of peeps in the course of two hours. That's just totes cray-cray. Finn stroked the stubble on his chin with his robot hand, pondering what could've happen in that short amount of time. "Hmm. Hey! Maybe they got turned invisible by a grumpy, old wizard dude."

"I doubt it, Finn. If they really were invisible, I woulda smelled them a mile away."

"Huh," Finn realized. "Good point. Hmm. Well, what should we do?"

"I dunno, man," Jake worried. "But we better do something, fast. Who knows what sorta danger Pee Bubs and the Candy People are…" Then Jake's nose began to twitch. "Wait a minute… _sniff sniff_ … _sniff_ …

"What is it, Jake?" Finn inquired. "Did you catch something with your ol' factory gun?"

"Yeah," Jake answered, still sniffing the air. "And it smells like…yuck! moldy bread?"

"Well, where's it coming from?"

"I think its… _sniff sniff_ …He descended to the ground, and turned completely around. " _sniff_ … _sniff_ …over there! Towards the Candy Castle. It's faint, but it's there!"

"Well then, let's follow it!" Finn grabbed onto his brother's legs and used him like a metal detector.

"Beep-boop, Beep-boop, Beep-boop," Jake said, doing his worst impression of a metal detector. "Any closer, Jake?" Finn asked.

"Turned me a little to the left." Finn did so, and Jake sniffed even harder. Be-boop, be-boop, beboop. Keep going left." Finally, Jake made it a pile of moldy bread crumbs and gasped, fearfully. "Bebebebebebebebebebebe!"

"You found it?" Finn asked, excitedly.

"Yeah!" Jake shrieked. "And I think I know what it is!"

"What? What is it, Jake?"

"Oh my glob!" Jake cried. "It's the petrified remains of Cinnamon Bun! And now they're using his flesh to lure us into a trap! They really are using psychological warfare on us! That's it! Game over! Game over, man!" Jake began rocking back and forth, sucking his thumb.

Finn raspberried him. "No, its not, man. It's just CB's dandruff. You know how he is. He can't never keep himself together, mentally or physically."

Almost in an instant, Jake began to relax. "Huh. Uh…hehehe…yeah. I knew that."

Finn pondered. "Hmm. I got it! Maybe CB intentionally left his dandruff here so he could lead us to the Candy Kingdom for a surprise birthday party!"

"Hmm. Maybe," Jake doubtfully thought. "But, you do realize that neither of our birthdays are today, right?"

"Hmm, oh yeah," Finn answered. "Well, maybe its PB's birthday party, and she's making a super-sleuth-themed party, and we have to use our skills to find out where she is?" He flipped around, pretending to fire a gun.

"That doesn't seem likely either, man," Jake worried. "Old Pee Bubs is usually pretty forward when it comes to inviting guests to her shindigs…plus I'm not even sure if she has a birthday, either. At least, not that I'm aware of."

"Well," Finn said, still trying to lighten the mood. "Maybe it's a special kinda birthday party where she's celebrating her one-thousandth-something year of living, and she's celebrating it with the other Candy Peeps in another dimension. I dunno, man. She's really old, and I still don't know how Candy royalty celebrates their birthdays…or even if PB has any preceders…or suceeders, for that matter."

"Man, now, you're just sounding crazy," Jake said. He sighed. "But, ok. If this is some kinda surprise birthday party, then I guess we can try to act surprised. But we better stay cautious, ok? I don't want my skin ending up as somebody's sock puppet."

"Psshaw," Finn answered. "You're dealing with Mr. Cautious himself."

Finn gave a karate yell as he smashed his robo fist through the door of the Candy Castle. "We're here, Princess!"

Jake face-palmed himself. "Right. Shoulda known not to trust you with stealth."

Finn blushed. "Sorry. It's just not in my nature to be conspicuous, bro." Finn looked around the ballroom, but there were no lights, or balloons, or party hats, or Candy People of any kind. Still, Finn kept his dopey smile in hopes that it was all a ruse. "Ok! Princess! We're here! You can yell 'SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE' now!" Finn kept a hand to his ear. "Any second, now!" He kept listening. "Any second, now!" Still, he listened for any noise. "Any se…"

"Dude, I don't think they're in the ball room," Jake interrupted, agitatedly. "We woulda seen them, by now."

"Well, it was worth a shot, man," Finn, slightly embarrassed. Soon, however, he spotted the breadcrumbs again, leading to a trap door. "Hey, look! The crumbs are going into one of PB's secret entrances. Maybe the surprise is in there."

"Oh, no, man!" Jake complained. "This a definitely a trap! It's like Dad always said, 'Jake, mah boi, never, ever go into a trap door, unprepared," Jake said in a terrible impression of Joshua, turning the top of his head into a fedora. "There's always something awful on the other side." Finn grabbed his hand and ran for the trapdoor.

"Come on, scaredy cat!" Finn shouted. "Where's your sense of…" They both descended into the trap door, and began sliding down a large pipe. "ADVENTUUUUUUURE!"

"Oh glob! Oh glob! Oh glob!" Jake cried. "Why do you always have to leap before you look!"

"Because leaping is way more fun!" Finn yelled back in joy. After a few more seconds of laughter from Finn and the horrified screams of Jake, the brothers fell with a painful _oof!_ On Princess Bubblegum's bedroom floor, the only light source being from the light outside. Finn lifted his head and turned to Jake with a smile. "See, Jake? We're still in one piece."

Jake moaned in pain. "Yeah, well, my facial bones don't feel in one piece." Jake shook his head, and tried to reshape his face.

Though it took him a moment, Finn finally found the breadcrumb trail, again, and it led to PB's workbench, a big pink note with red crayon written all over it. "Look! This is where the trail ends!"

"Harumph," Jake whined. "And still no sign of the Princess or her peeps."

"Don't lose hope, my dude," Finn assured him. "Maybe this is all a part of big "yeaster egg" hunt. Hehehehe. See what I did there?" Jake simply just frowned at him, to which Finn just decided to cough his discomfort out. "We just gotta grab the note and find the next clue!" As Finn tried to run for the note, Jake stretched out his arm and held Finn in place.

"And just in case it isn't, and is, in fact, a really elaborate trap," Jake said, with all seriousness. "Then I think this is the one time we DON'T go running towards an object without being careful, ok?"

"Hmph," Finn pouted. He turned from Jake and folded his arms. "You're no fun at all."

Jake stretched his arm, slowly and cautiously, across the room, making sure he didn't trip any wires and the like. He delicately plucked the note from the workbench, and slowly reeled his arm back towards them. Jake smiled, smugly at Finn.

Finn raspberried him. "Lame-o! So, what does it say?"

Jake cleared his throat. "It says," Jake began. "'Dere Fyn and Jaik…me and the candee peepull are been being held hostaj at the lends of bul…jeer…ia…come and saiv us, plez, love bublegumm.'" Jake eyed the note, questionably. "Hmm. Definitely not Poible's penmanship. Heck! Even I have better grammar than this."

For a moment, Finn began to take this whole thing more seriously. "Hmm. I think you may be right about this whole trap biz, bro. Why the heck would PB leave such a crummy note to tell us where she is?"

"And for that matter, what the heck even is 'Bul-jeer-ia', and how the heck do we find it?" As Jake scanned the note again, he caught site of a tiny posted note at the back. "'Saury…Naught inuff rewm, inside.'" He flipped the not over on the bacl. "'Pee Ess; chek the wurc binch 2 faind map to Buljeeria." Jake stretched his arm again across the room to the work bench, splitting his arm into smaller arms to explore every nook and cranny of the work bench. After a moment of blind searching, he finally felt a piece of rough paper. "U-R-E-KAAAA!" Jake yelled like a bird. And he pulled his arm back to them, revealing the paper to be a map.

"Alright!" Finn shouted, excitedly. "Nice work, Jake! So, how do we get there?"

Jake eyed the map, carefully, spotting a large island off the eastern coast of the Ice Kingdom, written with the same red crayon as the one on the note that red, "Bulggera". "Hmm. If map is right, and it may or may not be, it says we gotta go east of the Ice Kingdom, right into the Unknown Regions. The island's pretty dang big, so we can't miss it."

"Alright!" Finn shouted with determination, slamming his robot hand into his fleshy one. "Ouch! Then we'll just go to this Buljeeria place, find out who's behind all this evil biz, kick his butt, and save our friends!"

Jake gave a nod of approval. "You know it, bro! What time is it? It's…"

They fist bumped each other and both said, "ADVENTURE TIME!"

"Alright!" Finn shouted, as he ran for the bedroom door. "Let's go!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Jake said, restraining him by his backpack. "We still need to pack for the trip ahead, bro. We can't enter unfamiliar territory without the proper tools or the right amount of snacks." Jake rubbed his belly. "No snackies make Jakey go attacky, members?" "Oh yeah," Finn agreed. "You're right, my dude." He cleared his throat. "Well then, it's"

They bumped fists, again, and both said, "PREPPING FOR THE ADVENTURE WITH TOOLS,

WEAPONS, AND OTHER SNACKERALS BEFORE GOING OFF INTO DANGEROUS TERRITORY TIME!"

"Right! But, one more thing," Jake said, suggestively. "Do you want to bring your GIRLFRIEND along for the adventure, too?"

Finn blushed madly from the question, tempted to slap his brother right in the face, but with a calm breath, he patted his brother on the shoulder, instead. "Naw, bro. We got this, no probs. Besides, today's Tuesday, the day Marcy hangs out with Ice King, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," Jake remembered. "Keep forgetting her and that big nerd are really close. Man, I still haven't gotten used to that fact." After a long awkward pause, Jake cleared his throat. "Well, then I guess it's just us guys, again! Now, you sure you won't be lonely for this adventure, bro?" he asked, patronizingly. "You want me to cut off a lock of her hair for you to sniff when she's away…."

Finn turned an even brighter shade of red, but before Jake could say anymore, he simply forced out a laugh and shoved him out the bedroom door. "Shut up, bro!"

* * *

 **Next time on "Return of the Undead Jerkwad," Marceline gets up to speed, and the adventure begins! Well, that and she goes through her issues, like usual. 'Til next time, peeps! :D**


	7. The Adventure Begins Part 2

**Originally planned to be only one chapter, the parts with Finn and Jake proved way too long to add Marcy into the mix, so I decided to make this a two-parter. So, with that out of the way, let's begin, peeps! :D**

* * *

 **The Adventure Begins Part 2**

 _ **(2 hours later, at the Ice Kingdom, where Marcy, Ice King, and Gunter play music)**_

For the better part of two hours (or rather or 30 minutes if you don't count the torturous amounts of fanfic reading), the band members of _Feels of Steel_ practiced their songs, with Marcy on bass, Ice King on the drums and Gunter on keyboard. Of course, Ice King was the first to sing his song, and it sounded about as awesome as one might expect (That is to say, it wasn't):

 _I'm very sad_

 _I wish I was glad_

 _But everyone treats me bad_

 _But if it the princesses thought I was rad,_

 _Then maybe I could be their…babies' daaaaaaad!_

 _(Dramatic pause)_

 _I'm VERY SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!_

Marcy and Gunter just stared at him. "Well, whaddya think?" Ice King said, proudly. "It took me 10 years and at least 30 heartbreaks to think it up. Admit it; you're totally speechless in the wake of utter genius!"

After a long pause trying to come up with a response, Marcy finally said, "Y-yeah, man," she forced a smile. "That…that was… _Cough…_ that was really something!"

"Wenk," Gunter replied, with no apparent emotion.

"Really?" Ice King said all teary-eyed. "You…you guys think it was good?"

"Yeah, dude!" Marcy shouted to further mask her obvious disapproval. "Definitely the best song you've sung, thus far!"

"Wenk, Wenk" Gunter honked again, still emotionless.

As his face flooded with tears (as well as sweaty, old man juices that probably smelled like leaky, ground beef grease in the back of your fridge), Ice King embraced the two in a big ol' hug. "Oh, you guys are the best! I love you guys so much!"

"Wenk," Gunter affectionately chirped, hugging him with her flippers.

Marcy herself was becoming teary-eyed by Ice King's hug, remembering the warm (well, I guess cold, now), nostalgic embrace of her father figure, centuries ago. "I love you too…Simon," she said, sincerely, returning the hug in kind.

"Ugh. How many times do I have to tell you, Marceline," Ice King said, irritably shaking from the willies. "Don't call me 'Simon.' It makes me feel old. And not in the good, experienced lover kinda way, either."

"Oh, right," Marcy said, disappointedly, turning her head down in a bit of embarrassment. "Sorry, dude. Just a…just a force of habit, ya know?"

Ice King gave a sympathetic sigh. "Yeah, I know. You really miss _that_ guy from your past, don't ya?"

"Yeah," Marcy said, sighing back. "A lot." Her browed furrowed. _Among several others guys._

"Wenk," Gunter cleared her throat, deliberately, trying to break up the tension. "Wenk wenk! Wenk wenk!" Gunter honked, excitedly.

"Alright, alright, Gunter!" Ice King said. "Sheesh! We'll do your song, next, ya little diva!"

Gunter cleared her throat and readied her flippers for the piano playing:

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!_

 _WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENK!_

Gunter finished the piece with a hardy slam on the keyboard, hanging her head low.

After a brief pause, Marcy answered with, "Uh…Yeah! Nice one, Gunter!"

"Wenk." she cawed, simply.

However, Ice King found himself bawling like a baby. "Oh Gunter!" He went in for another hug. "Daddy's so proud of you! You're so deep and complicated!"

"Weeeheenk!" Gunter cried with tears of joy. "Weeheenk!"

"Oh, but we're just getting started, Gunter," Ice King said excitedly. "Because Marceline is going to play us a song, now. And you know she's the second best of the three of us."

"Wenk," nodded in agreement.

"Well," Marcy said, hesitantly. "I dunno guys, this one is bit 'heavy,' and I don't know if I want to sing it, right now." She paused, blushing. "P-p-plus, I just came up with it, last night."

"Wenk," Gunter sternly honked, pointing a flipper at her. "Wenk, wenk, wenk, wenk!"

"Gunter's right, Marceline," Ice King said. "Best way to confront your feelings is just to sing them out loud," He hung his head. "At least, that's what I do, in my spare time."

"Wenk, wenk, wenk!" Gunter cheered Marcy on. Wenk, wenk, wenk!

"Yeah, Marceline!" Ice King agreed. "Sing, sing, sing! Sing, sing, sing!"

Marcy sighed, then smiled. "Alright, alright. But don't you start laughing if it starts sucking like a nightmare, monster leech, ok?"

Gunter and Ice King put their hand/flipper to their chest. "Cross our hearts and hope Gunter dies."

"Wenk!" Gunter protested.

"Alright, alright," Ice King answered. "Cross our hearts and hope that Gunter's second cousin dies. Geez, that guy's a real party pooper,"

"Wenk," Gunter responded with a shrug.

Marcy chuckled. "Ok, then. Let's begin," After strumming some notes and clearing her throat, she began to sing:

 _All of my life, I've tried to find the perfect guy_

 _But all of the time, it seems to go a rye_

 _You're either too mean, or your way too nice_

 _You're way too shy, or as cold as ice_

 _How can I hope to make you see?_

 _When you won't even come and look at me_

 _I just want to know what you really feel_

' _Cuz…I'm too scared to let this dead heart heal_

As Marceline began to cry, Ice King and Gunter joined on the water works and embraced her.

"Oh, Marceline!" Ice King answered, wiping a tear from his eye. "You never fail to disappoint! You're songs are so good, and you deserve the perfect man! I mean, I'm not available for you, cuz', ya know, you're not really my type, but someday I bet you'll find the second best guy out there, for you!"

"We-he-he-heeeeenk!" Gunter cried in agreement.

Marcy chuckled, brushing away her tears. "Thanks, guys, I…I really needed that." After an awkward moment of silence, Marceline coughed to soften the mood "Well, that was…a good session, guys. I can't wait to build on it, next week."

"Yeah! Me neither!" Ice King said, excitedly. This album is gonna be the best album since Maz Dizasta's "Ring Around the Roadkill Blues!"

"Wenk!" Gunter agreed.

Marcy chuckled. "Definitely." She put a finger to her chin. "So, how about, instead of the usual time, we try for Wednesday, next week?"

"Hmm," Ice King answered, uncertainly. "Not sure about that. Gunter and I always celebrate on Wednesday with Pizza night. Why not stick to Tuesday, like the usual?"

"Sorry, man," Marcy said. "I'm hanging out with Finn, that day."

"Oh, right!" Ice King said, agitatedly. "The guy who you said definitely _wasn't_ your boyfriend and who you _didn't_ have a crush on, way back when? The one who still owes me thousands of gold coins worth of repair bills for helping to wreck my home, all those years ago?"

Marcy cringed at Ice King's teasing of her feelings for Finn, but she quickly she held off the sensation with a smile and shrugged. "Yep. One and the same."

Ice King rolled his eyes. "Man, if you're so starved for a boyfriend, why not just ask him out? He's like the only other dude you hang out with."

Marcy quickly gathered up her stuff and chuckled, dismissively. "Yeah, right. Finn? My boyfriend? I'd sooner ask out a raccoon with rabies. I mean, Finn's a great guy and all, but he's nowhere near my league."

Ice King gave a dismissive hand wave. "Ah, whatever. I'm just giving ya some friendly advice. I just get the feeling that you're walking out on a semi-decent deal, ya know? I mean, he's a wild, crazy kid, you're a wild crazy, kid? He likes adventuring, you like adventuring. He likes breaking stuff that doesn't belong to him, you like breaking stuff that doesn't to belong you." Ice King became madder at that fact. "Man, I still can't believe he didn't help pay for repairs!" He shook his head. "Anyway, y-ya see where I'm going with this, right? Because it's not like I'm being subtle about it, ya know?

Marceline sighed, agitatedly, wanting to drop the subject about Finn, as soon as possible. "Whatever, dude," She held out her fist to bump it with Ice King's. "So I'll see ya on Wednesday, then?"

Ice King sighed, returning the knuck. "Fine, we'll do Wednesday. I guess we'll just have to share our pizza with you, that day, won't we?"

"Alright," Marcy said with a smile. "See ya, then."

"Wenk." Gunter honked while reaching out her flipper.

Marcy chuckled, giving Gunter the fist bump. "Yeah. You too, Gunter."

"Wenk."

"Yeah, I promise to bring the mustard, next time."

"Wen.," she answered, happily.

As Marcy left the cave, Ice King turned to whisper in Gunter's ear. "You think she's gonna go for it?"

"Wenk," Gunter nodded.

"Yeah, so do I," Ice King answered. "But, I give it solid a week, for sure,"

"Wenk" Gunter honked, smugly.

"You're on! Winner pays for pizza!"

"Wenk," she nodded, and the two shook each other's species-specific appendages. _**(Teehee. I'm not gonna say anything, because everyone is saying it, already)**_

* * *

As Marceline floated home, she did her best to push everything Ice King said out of her mind "Pfft. Simon. What does he know? He can't hold onto a girl for more than couple of hours, much less know anything about dating one. I don't need him to tell me what to do." She hummed to herself, quietly, during most of the trip home, doing her best to block out the noises of her past. However, as was typical of her, such emotions would only keep pouring the salt on the wound, and with much greater intensity. Within a short amount of time, several nagging voices, both old and new, kept barraging her mind with thoughts of self-hatred and doubt.

 _You know, though, you might live forever, but Finn won't,_ Death's Voice echoed.

"No," Marcy shook her head. "I'm not going through this, again."

 _You're wasting your time. Tell him. Or it will be too late. And then you'll be sorry._

She grumbled. "I said I was done with Finn, ok? So can it!"

 _You're a traitor to your race! You're a traitor to my love!_ Gunmor's voice interjected. _  
I should let you die out in that wasteland! I should've killed you while were still small and weak!_

Marceline cried. "You betrayed ME, you butt! "You betrayed MY trust! I'm glad I killed you!"

 _Marceline,_ A suave, British-sounding voice interrupted. _You are the apple to my eye, the straw to my berry, the minnow to my puddle. The sheep to my...um...sheepologist. I will always love you, both in this life, and the next…_

"Lier!" Marcy balled her eyes out. "Liar! You're even worse than he was! At least he wore his true colors on his sleeves! You…you killed them all!" _  
_

 _Hahahahahaha! Oh, just face the music, girl!_ The Death voice interjected, laughing with maniacal glee. _You're just so amazing at letting all your peeps down. All of them. Especially Bonnibel! Great job with that one, BTDubs!"_

Marcy gasped. "Bonnie."

Marcy remembered her and Bubblegum's argument, two years ago, after the former saved the latter from the Sky Witch's wrath and returning Bonnie's shirt. The argument had not only resulted in Marceline ripping the shirt in half out of spite of Bubblegum's arrogance, but also resulted in the two not talking to each other, in quite some time.

"Whatever," Marcy said, dismissively. "It's her fault. Not mine. She had to be the one to go and give up the one thing that made our love special." But a twinge of guilt came over Marcy's conscious. "But, then again, she did get Hambo back for me, so…" After a moment of silent contemplation, she gave a sigh and a groan. "Ugh! Fine! Guess it couldn't hurt to give her a call _._ "Marceline dialed Bubblegum's number and waited for a call.

"Hello," Bubblegum's voice mail said. "This is Princess Bubblegum of the Candy Kingdom. I can't come to the phone right, now. I'm way too busy. I'll get back to you when I can. Please leave a message after the tone."

Marcy scoffed, shoving the phone back into her pocket. "Figures. Too good to answer a call. Nuts to her, then."

* * *

As Marcy finally entered her house, a sleeping Schwabl perked his ear up at the sound of his master opening the door, and immediately ran to greet her, wagging his tail and panting, madly. She hung her hat and gloves on the coat rack and soon a very happy Schwabl clawed at her knees to get her attention. She finally noticed him and gave him a very loving, but tired smile. "Hey there, shrink-wrap. Miss me?" She picked him up and patted his fluffy head, and he return the affection in kind by licking her face. She chuckled, weakly. "Glob, you stink. But, ya know, you're the best thing I've seen in the past hour, so why don't you sleep with me on the bed, tonight, huh? I'll even skip the shower tonight so we can both be stinky. Sound good?" Schwabl answered with a heartier lick. Marcy chuckled with more vigor. "Alright! Alright! I guess that's a 'yes.'"

Marcy carried her canine companion on the bed, collapsing on the bed with a surprisingly loud thud, sighing tiredly, with Schwabl walking off her chest to sleep between her legs, warming up the otherwise cold flesh of the Vampire, and for a moment, Marcy felt a piece from the dredge that was her immortal life. Even the voices inside her mind were too tired to have a back-and-forth with her, right now.

However, after a brief moment of quietness, a thought had occurred to her, and her eyes quickly opened. "Oh shoot! I guess better call Finn to see if he's still good for next Tuesday." Marcy gave a very loud yawn and took the phone out her pocket, dialing Finn's number and waiting for an answer, surprisingly tense from the anticipation.

"Hi!" Finn said.

"H-Hey, Finn," Marcy answered, sheepishly. "I was…I was wondering if we're still on for…

"Hi!" Jake said,

"Huh? Jake?" Marcy questioned. "What the heck is...?"

"This is Finn and Jake," Finn said.

"We can't come to the phone, right now," Jake said.

She sighed. "Of freaking course. "Yet another person too busy to pick up their freaking phone."

"Cuz we're both on an adventure to save Princess Bubblegum and the Candy Peeps from a place called Bull-Jeeria!" They both said, jovially. "Be back, ASAP! Byezees!"

Marcy's eyes widened with surprise and shock as she rose up. "What? Bulgeria? And Bonnie's there! What the heck is going on? She jumped out of her bed, knocking Scwhabl off in the process, who simply cocked his head in confusion at his master's sudden energy. Marcy immediately started packing for the journey ahead, taking anything and everything from her bedroom, before going down into the living room and kitchen, with Schwabl following suit. "I don't what's happening," Marcy said as she shoveled several apples and strawberries into her backpack. "But, I gotta get down there and see what's up." She hastily put on her gloves and hat. "I'll be back, as soon as I can, ok, Schwabl? Don't go eating out of the trash, ok? Bye!" And with that, she flew right out and slammed the door.

Schwabl just cocked his head at the door, not sure of what to make of all this. However, he did remember his master saying something about "trash," and soon turned his head to look at the trashcan. He then looked back at the door, then back at the trash, then back at the door, then back at the trash, before finally deciding to knock it over, and feed on its contents. **  
**

* * *

**And here we are, folks! The start of the adventure! Like I said, though, don't expect an update on when chapters will be posted, because I'm really bad at keeping my word about due dates. I'll post when I can, and that's that. Good luck and have fun for the upcoming year, guys! Thanks for all the love and support, and have a good night! :D**


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